3 steps to overcome a relationship crisis
What does a relationship crisis mean?
I haven’t found a unanimous definition so I’ll give you my own. For me, a relationship or couple crisis is a period of intensified conflicts with a recurrence of the theme. The issue at stake in the crisis is the potential separation of the couple. It is not a small isolated argument or small disagreements that are part of everyday life.
A relationship crisis does not happen by coincidence.
It happens when life experiences awaken certain wounds from the past and reinforce the interdependence towards the other spouse:
- Dependence on freedom/time with the arrival of a child
- Financial dependency: spouse/entrepreneur stops working, financial difficulties, reduction in working hours (mother stays at home)
- Physical dependence with illness, depression, burnout
- Emotional dependence, bereavement of a person
A couple crisis is inevitable and is a sign that the couple has enough intimacy, that the partners feel sufficiently connected and secure to “let” the crisis emerge.
Once the couple commits to a long-term relationship, it is within the couple, in this zone of security and love, that wounds from each partner’s past will resurface. The couple becomes a unique opportunity to resolve what has not been resolved in the first home where we experienced this security (or not), with our parents.
And in this fragile phase, love is not enough.
The good news is that it can be learned.
It requires the right tools to understand what is being stirred up by this crisis, to calm down conflicts and to start substantive discussions in a calm manner.
It’s normal during this crisis phase to feel like breaking up with your partner, to have phases where you don’t believe in him anymore. The bad news is that if you can’t deal with your current partner, you’ll have exactly the same problem with your next one. This does not mean that you should not separate from your current partner (you are only responsible for your 50%) but that it is worth working on your 50% for your own happiness in love, whether it is with him or the next one.
I really like Florentine d’Aulnois-Wang’s expression “the couple stings” because it does indeed sting where it should, i.e. in your deepest relational insecurities, to bring them to the surface and offer the space to heal them within your couple (an article on this subject of the couple’s space is coming soon).
Step 1: Identify the past wounds underlying the crisis
- Take stock to understand which wounds are reawakened by the crisis. Here are some ideas for reflection:
- Describe the crisis in your own words, what you are arguing about that you do not agree with.
- Describe the actions or reactions of your partner that made you feel negative
- What would be the ideal situation (what should they say or do)? How would you feel about yourself and your partner if they did this?
- Who didn’t you get that from in your past?
- De-programming your past wounds with the psycho-corporal approach (more info here)
- Empty the emotional overflow with the belly massage to get a fresh start
Step 2: Calm the crisis
- Understanding and changing conflict dynamics. Here are some examples of dynamics:
- Leaving the room, the other follows
- One doesn’t want to talk, the other wants to settle it right away
- One wants to tell friends, the other feels hurt by it.
- Applying communication tools to better understand each other
- Non-violent communication
- Take full emotional responsibility (you can read How to deal with your emotions on this subject). If you always focus on what the other person is not doing, you feel powerless in the situation and you don’t move things forward.
- See what works well and remember it. Not all that is going wrong.
Step 3: Overcoming the crisis
- Cultivating love
- Allow each partner time to work on their wounds
- Begin substantive discussions and apply the tools to get out of the crisis
- Promise of security and commitment.
- Both partners are willing to talk. Set up an appointment.
- First partner explains his or her point of view for a given time (5 min to 30 min) and the other rephrases until the first feels 100% understood. At the end the other must sincerely try to understand the first one’s point of view.
- Second partner does the same.
- Either you are both ready to do this work, you can do a couple coaching. The aim of this coaching is not to be the mediator, but to help you to re-establish dialogue and to get through this crisis by yourselves, because I think that this is an important skill to be able to build your couple in the long term.
- Either you are the only person who wants to do some work and then you can make the individual coaching. Because when you change, the other person has to adjust to your change.
