I want a baby: when is the right time to talk about my desire to have a baby?

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I want a baby: when is the right time to talk about my desire to have a baby?

Do you feel like you’re scaring men away if you talk about your desire for a baby at the beginning of a meeting?

Then this article is for you.

 

Clarify from the start whether this is part of their life plans

Not everyone wants to have children.

To avoid being thrown off balance once you are in a relationship and attached to the person, clarify whether this is part of their life plans or not.

For example, you can use the question “What are you looking for in a relationship?” as a starting point for your question “I’m in a phase of life where I see myself in a long-term relationship and starting a family if I meet the right partner, how about you?”

It’s a simple, non-pressuring way to clarify your expectations in this regard.

Of course, if you’re not sure you want children yourself, it’s not a question you need to clarify.

To illustrate the importance of making this clarification: I had a male client who had not thought to ask his future wife if she wanted children and after the wedding, when he asked her when they were going to start, she told him that she did not see herself as a mother at all. He was shocked, as he thought “all women want to have children”, he had not thought to clarify this point with her. He was therefore faced with the difficult choice of leaving the woman he loved or giving up his desire to have a child.

Take stock before you move in with him

Moving in together is a big step, you potentially give up your respective flats, you may even move to another city. This is usually a good time to check the direction of your relationship and see if having a child is still part of his or her life plans, possibly even to clarify his or her time horizon.

Of course, if you are not in a hurry to have children, you don’t need to clarify this point at this time either.

When you feel ready, start the discussion

Once the relationship is established and you see your partner as a potentially good father to your children, don’t hesitate to bring up the subject.

Just because your man doesn’t initiate the discussion doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to.

He is simply less on the alert for the biological clock (which is a physiological reaction and not just an idea in women’s heads).

Talk about your desire for a child, your personal timing, how you see him as perfect to be the father of your children and that you would be happy to do this life project with him, that you love him.

From this point on, it is normal that several discussions follow to mature the decision.

This is when concerns about being a good parent may come up:

  • Can I afford a child?
  • Am I not too old/ too young?
  • What is the impact of having a child on my life as a couple, my work and my freedom?

Also, depending on whether one has a difficult relationship with one’s own father or mother, there may be a fear of repeating the same pattern.

All these concerns are normal and healthy.

Instead of talking about it constantly, I recommend setting aside time to talk about it and address each topic one by one, the goal being that each future parent feels reassured in their decision.

Personally, my husband needed to make an Excel table to see if he could financially insure our child even if I lost my job and I was more afraid of not being physically able to insure when my son was older and repeating the family model.

Here the best attitude is to accept without judgement the other’s fears and to reassure them by brainstorming solutions that would suit you both. 

In the end, it is of course not possible to anticipate everything, but it is a good sign to see that the other is asking the right questions to know if he/she wants/can take on a child.

And if they need time or don’t want to

Adapting your timing for the other person will not help them to change their personal timing. 

On the contrary, it may make him stay in indecision longer.

Putting an ultimatum on him is not a good solution for such an important decision either, because in the end the desire for a child is a very personal choice.

So what is the right balance?

Ask yourself sincerely what your final personal waiting period is and respect it, i.e. by this time you can give the other person the opportunity to discuss their lack of desire for a child and see if they can be reassured of their concerns or if they are really stuck in their decision.

As important as it is to respect your partner’s decision, or non-decision, it is equally important to respect your decision when your deadline is reached.

The risk of waiting beyond your personal deadline can be to reach such a degree of frustration that it will only aggravate or break the relationship.

To go further

Communicating your needs and limits calmly and having the right tools to have a substantive discussion in your relationship, dealing with differences of opinion and potential conflicts, are the foundations for building a successful relationship and are an integral part of my in-depth individual coaching.

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