Getting past infidelity
Your partner cheated on you and you do not know whether you want to or can ever forgive him. You feel that trust within the couple is broken and that he/she has destroyed everything you have built through this infidelity.
Or you have just cheated on your partner and you regret what you did and you would like to get past this in your relationship.
In this episode, I give you the steps that seem essential to me to get through this difficult ordeal that is infidelity in your relationship.
❤️ Watch my webinar on how to finally be happy in love!
Définition de l’infidélité
Est-ce que c’est une histoire d’un soir, une relation secrète, regarder des pornos, rester inscrit sur des applis de rencontre en secret. Je vais reprendre la définition d’Esther Perel dans son ted Talk, elle explique qu’une infidélité remplit ces 3 critères :- Une relation secrète
- Une connection émotionnelle
- Une alchimie sexuelle pas forcément réalisée
Why do people cheat?
Without condoning infidelity, infidelity is often the consequence of a problem in the couple.
The causes of infidelity are, in my opinion, different depending on whether you are at the beginning of a relationship or whether the infidelity happens after several years of relationship :
- At the beginning of a relationship (for example before living together). When infidelity happens at this stage of the relationship, it is quite simply that the person has changed their mind about the relationship or just does not want to commit and has not taken the time to “properly inform” the other partner of their decision. If you are the person who is being cheated on (and I understand you, because it is the love pattern that I personally repeated for 7 years), it is important to understand why you attract this pattern of cheating. Watch my free webinar Understanding how a love pattern is created, to learn more.
- If the cheating occurs after several years of relationship, infidelity is a way a partner has found to get through a crisis in the couple for example out of fear of facing the underlying problem or the consequences of a separation, or a personal crisis, to flee the person they have become in their relationship or their life. Here it is important to understand the underlying crisis and each partner’s willingness to get through this crisis by being ready to question themselves.
First welcome the emotional waves
Discovering your partner’s infidelity is not easy. It is a kind of “mini-grief” for the relationship because you discover a new reality of your relationship. You go, so to speak, through the same phases of grieving a relationship that I explain in episode 42.
It is therefore completely normal to go through a phase of shock, denial, anger and sadness.
❤️ Watch my webinar on how to finally be happy in love!
How do you get past infidelity ?
There are 4 steps in my opinion :
- Work on the cause
As I was saying, infidelity is often a consequence, not a cause. It is important to understand the underlying crisis and for each partner to be willing to get through this crisis by being ready to question themselves. I explain the 3 steps to get through a relationship crisis in episode 47. As hard as infidelity is to go through, it also allows conversations that have been swept under the rug for too long in the couple to come up.
When this deep work is done, it is easier to forgive and to start a relationship again with the same partners BUT on new foundations.
This ability to understand and get through relationship crises is not natural. This is why I devote an entire module to it in my program Opening up to love.
- Regain the other’s trust
Even if infidelity is a consequence, it is also a choice, that is, the partner chose this act rather than another. Regaining the other’s trust is important for the couple’s security to be restored.
- Manage to forgive
The person who was cheated on needs to make an honest assessment of what may have pushed the other toward infidelity in order to forgive the other for their infidelity. One way to get there is to understand what the other’s motives were.
- Reconnect with your desires
According to Esther Perel, infidelity has less to do with a simple sexual need but more with a need to reconnect with the desires that one has lost along the way. The insecurity that infidelity has created creates turbulence in the couple but it can be an opportunity to reconnect with personal desires and those of the couple, and this is as true for the partner who is cheated on as for the one who cheated. Taking the time to communicate/exchange about your desires allows the couple to start again on new, stronger foundations.
For you
FREE Webinar "HOW TO FREE OURSELVES FROM THE PATTERNS THAT PREVENT US FROM BEING HAPPY IN LOVE?"
Subscribe now to my newsletter and receive the replay of the webinar how a wound from the past is created ?
* Mandatory fields
If you register for this webinar, you will be subscribed to my newsletter and you will be able to receive offers from me. You can unsubscribe at any time. Please read my
privacy policy (german only), to see how I process the data.
Pour aller plus loin
Si tu as envie d’approfondir le sujet et de comprendre pourquoi vos discussions tournent en rond, tu as mon livre Les couples heureux…osent aborder les sujets qui fâchent disponible dans toutes les librairies.
Contrairement aux idées reçues, les couples qui durent ne sont pas ceux qui évitent les conflits mais qui savent les traverser. Le livre Les couples heureux..osent aborder les sujets qui fâchent t'explique comment transformer vos tensions en connexion en 5 étapes!
Going further
🌿 CULTIVATING LOVE — if you are in a relationship
A 5-month program to transform your relationship, regain closeness, communication and the joy of being together every day.
It includes modules to do at your own pace as a duo or solo, the possibility of being coached by email in complete confidentiality, the possibility of adding individual coaching sessions as well as the Day of the Past option to deprogram love patterns through the body if you feel that your wounded inner children take up a lot of space in your conflicts.
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir à l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
Table des matières
