Why don't you get what you want in love?

You read a lot of books on personal development, you have already followed several coaching sessions or therapies and yet you don’t seem to see any concrete change in your life.

If this is the case for you, it often means that you have an alignment problem.

In this article I will explain what alignment is and the different forms of non-alignment.

What does it mean to be aligned?

Being aligned with yourself simply means that you act, interact and speak in alignment with who you want to be and/or what you want to cultivate in your life and/or your desires or goals in life.

It’s like your inner thread:

That makes you act to go in the direction you want
That makes you say no/not go in the direction you don’t want

If you are not getting the results you want in your life, it necessarily means that there is a non-alignment in you at one of the following levels.

The different forms of non-alignment

Form 1 You don’t know what you want

This is the most serious form of non-alignment, because if you don’t really know what you want or you change your mind all the time, it is impossible for you to have a guiding line in what you say or do and therefore the results will not follow.

This non-alignment can take many forms:

You have no clue what you want. For example, you have difficulty defining your ideal partner. Not everyone is compatible with you and your lifestyle, and sometimes there may be inner contradictions in what you are looking for in the other person. If you avoid deciding what you really want, you will not only lose a lot of time to find a person who corresponds to you (how to find if you don’t know what you are looking for), but also risk disappointment after a few months of relationship, when you will realise that you are really not compatible. That’s why I dedicate a part of my Individual Coaching to this.
You are easily influenced by the opinions of others. Other people’s opinions carry more weight than your own, and you are swayed by the thoughtful advice of friends, family, your partner, and even your therapist. For example, if you have a problem in your relationship, you may be inclined to be very quick to ask for other people’s advice before forming your own opinion. The problem is that others only have a subjective view of the situation, i.e. the one you tell them, not the full story, let alone what you may have done to create it (you know, that dark side that is hard to admit).
You constantly change your mind. For example, you want a long-term relationship, and then some time later (perhaps after a few failed attempts) you think that a casual relationship would be nice too. It’s not the fact that you want a light or casual relationship that’s the problem, but this constant oscillation between these 2 choices that generates contradictory behaviours and can potentially confuse your potential partners who no longer really understand what you want.

A final disadvantage of this form of non-alignment is that you attract people who have exactly the same problem as you, i.e. who do not know what they want, who are contradictory, who are easily influenced by others. And you drive away people who are clear about themselves.

One cause, over-adaptation

This form of non-alignment often comes from the fact that you over-adapted as a child to be loved and that this form of over-adaptation became so important and automatic that you no longer know what you want, that you constantly question your inner judgement and even your identity.

Watch my free webinar to understand how you were able to create this pattern for yourself.

For you

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Form 2 You are not acting in alignment with what you want

You are clear about your desires, your wishes, but you find it difficult to act to achieve them:

You procrastinate. You know what you need to do, but you can’t get it done.
You make excuses like “it’s not the right time”, “he’s going through a difficult phase”, “it’s too hard”.
You do other things, but not the things that will really help you achieve your goal. For example, you stay in a relationship with someone who makes it clear that they don’t want a serious relationship with you, you don’t leave them, but try to be more distant to see if they respond and come back to you.
You act, but you do not stick to your decision over time. For example, you have a clear discussion with your partner about what you want in the relationship and you give in if he or she comes back, even if he or she has not really positioned himself or herself towards your demands

One cause, self-abandonment

This form of non-alignment often comes from self-abandonment and lack of perseverance for what you care about (see my article on the wound of abandonment to see the other impacts of this wound in your love life).

Self-abandonment often comes from feeling abandoned as a child by the people you love and therefore unconsciously thinking you “deserve” it.

Watch my free webinar about the past to understand how you may have created this pattern for yourself.

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Form 3 You say the opposite or a variation of what you really want

It’s the LIAR syndrome.

I know what I’m talking about, I’ve practiced it for years. The liar wants to avoid conflict to avoid hurting others, and to do this she tells a false or contradictory watered-down version of what she really wants.

This constant betrayal of yourself not only increases relationship conflicts in the long run (because you assume that others are not saying what they really want either, since your environment senses that you are lying), but above all generates a lot of frustration and retained anger in you.

This can take different forms:

You don’t dare to say what you want, for fear of reprisals
You don’t say what you want because you think you don’t have the right/deserve it
You say what you think the other person wants to hear from you

One cause, self-betrayal

This form of non-alignment often happens when you have experienced the negative consequences of being yourself in your relationship with others: ‘I’m losing love’ explains why you would rather betray yourself now. (See my article on the wound of betrayal to see the other impacts of this wound in your love life).

Watch my free past webinar to understand how you may have created this pattern for yourself.

For you

Webinar How a wound from the past is created?

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Form 4 You give in when others go against what you want

The last form of non-alignment is non-alignment by omission, i.e. you know what you want, you know how to communicate it clearly but you don’t react if someone goes against what you want.

Attention, here I am not saying that the other person must do everything you want, but that it is your duty to choose how you react if this happens.

This non-alignment can come in different forms:

You stay in a relationship that does not suit you
You systematically adapt your desire to commit to the relationship and your speed of commitment to the other person
You “arrange” to get what you want differently. For example, by having a child to “establish” the relationship, by gradually moving into his home, into his circle, when he doesn’t want anything serious etc.

Here the cause is often a mixture of abandonment and betrayal of self.

Rebuild your alignment little by little

I reassure you, we are all in some way unaligned in different intensities.

The first step for me is to target the cause of this non-alignment, by working on the wounds from your past that generated this behaviour. This is what I propose in my Individual Coaching. Because once the cause has been worked on, it is easier to change your behaviour.

Then, becoming aligned is a work that takes time and it is an illusion to think that you will go from 0% alignment to 100% alignment, often because you don’t always realise when you are not aligned.

To this end, I suggest that you practice the lie journal, which will help you to become aware of situations in which you are not aligned and what you can do to correct it. The lie journal consists of writing down at the end of each day:

All the times you said yes when you meant no
All the times you acted differently from what you wanted
And give yourself the right to correct this non-alignment afterwards or to take it as a lesson for the next time.

I created this tool initially for myself and practiced it for more than 3 years and you will see, it’s magic, you will take back your power and get to know yourself much better!

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