How can working on the relationship with your parents help you in your couple?
How can improving your relationship with your parents help you in your love relationship?
The purpose of this article is to show you the benefits of improving your relationship with your parents for your love affairs.
Your parents are your first love models
Your parents are your first relationships and by observing how the relationship was with each of them, especially in your early years, you will learn a lot about your love life.
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Dare to disappoint your parents
The fear of disappointing your loved one is a common fear in love.
A good way to transform it is to practice with your parents on subjects where you disagree. You will also learn to fully embrace who you are, without needing the recognition of those you love.
Learn to communicate your needs and limits to your parents
Your parents may not yet have fully realised that you are an adult and sometimes they intrude on your privacy.
This is an ideal opportunity to learn how to communicate your needs and limits in a calm manner.
Use the more difficult parent to learn how to deal with conflicts constructively
There is often one parent with whom the relationship is a little more difficult than the other. This is a perfect opportunity to learn how to deal with conflicts with someone you love and how to argue your point of view.
In a couple, conflicts are healthy and inevitable, so learning the basics of non-violent communication by practising it with your parents, for example, can only help you in your relationship.
Marshall Rosenberg’s principle of non-violent communication comprises 2 poles:
- When you speak: you speak in the first person to avoid the “you that kills”, you communicate your observations (“I saw”, “I heard”) or your feelings (“I felt hurt when you did that”), you express your need by making a specific request.
- When you listen to the other person: you can ask for the person’s observations, feelings and needs without feeling demanding and take the time to rephrase the request to make sure you have understood.
Communication is such a fundamental pillar in a couple that I devote an entire module to it in the individual coaching.
Learn to forgive
Your parents may have hurt you by their actions and forgiving them is a liberating step for you and also for your future couple, where even the most perfect partner will not be able to avoid hurting you.
Thanks to this you learn not to idealise those you love and to see them as they are.
By learning to forgive, you also learn that you can free yourself at any time, for yourself, from the suffering caused by the actions of others.
Forgiveness is not about accepting what has been done, it is about deciding not to carry the weight of your past into your present and future. And this requires three steps:
- Fully embrace your grief in relation to your perception of this past event and change the impact of this past in your current reaction mechanisms.
- Change your perspective by, for example, confronting your perception of your experience with your parents’ intention or by trying to understand why your parents may have behaved in this way based on their own past experiences.
See how this experience has allowed you to be the person you are with the new resources you have developed in the face of this ordeal and propose that you change your final vision of this experience, to feel like an actor in your life.
The Ho’oponopono ritual is a good lead and you can also do my forgiveness ritual.
A ritual to forgive
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Use your first couple model to define your ideal relationship
By looking at how your parents were and are as a couple, you can define your own vision of the ideal couple. Take time to see what you think they do well and what could be improved.
If you have accumulated failures in love and you notice that your ideal of a couple is the opposite of your parents’ model, it is possible that you unconsciously reject the couple or love because of their example (“If love or the couple is like my parents, I prefer to stay single”).
It is therefore important to identify which love patterns are blocking your love life. This is what I propose in my individual coaching.