Isolation and Loneliness: Why Your Lack of Social Engagement Is a Sign of Nervous System Dysregulation
183. Isolation and Loneliness: Why Your Lack of Social Engagement Is a Sign of Nervous System Dysregulation
This episode is inspired by the Vlan episode entitled The paradox of the “social” century that we pretend to ignore, where Gregory Pouy highlights the paradox of modern loneliness, where me-time is giving way to social activities (he cites the alarming figure that the frequency of dinners with friends fell by 45% between 1970 and the 2000s) and where in the end we shut ourselves away even more in loneliness. In a world where we are increasingly “connected”, there have never been so many people who feel alone and suffer from loneliness: In France, according to a study by the Fondation de France published in January 2024, 12% of adults, or around 6.5 million people, are in a situation of relational isolation, having little or no physical contact with those around them. Furthermore, one in five people expresses a feeling of loneliness, although not all isolated people necessarily feel this loneliness. Young adults are particularly affected, with more than a quarter of those under 25 feeling regularly lonely. This is also a trend I notice among the single people I accompany who want to find love and are already struggling to expand their social circle. It was for this reason that I made episode 126 on how to make friends as an adult. In 8 years of practice, progressive isolation is one of the most frequent signals I observe and one of the least named. In this episode I wanted to talk about the internal reasons that lead you to isolate yourself more and more, and the impact this isolation has on your nervous system.
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Your lack of social engagement is a sign of nervous system dysregulation
If you have the feeling that every relationship takes more and more energy from you, that relationships require a lot of effort, or that when you interact with others you feel like there is a mask or an inner wall between you and them, this is a sign that the dominant state of your nervous system is the dorsal state (freeze or shutdown) which makes any social interaction physiologically difficult. In this state, you literally lack the energy to connect with others (it is as if you have to force yourself).
When this becomes chronic, we speak of relational exhaustion, characterised by constant fatigue and a lack of energy to maintain relationships, whether in your professional or personal sphere.
The most common causes
Here are the most common causes I have observed in the people I accompany:
Cause no.1 You have accumulated too many disappointing relationships and your nervous system no longer has the capacity to risk suffering again.
It puts up a protective wall between you and others and keeps love/relationships at a distance. Very likely, before reaching this point you felt yourself becoming increasingly sensitive, hyper-reactive to others’ behaviour, asking yourself a lot of questions about relationships — and after a while you felt an inner stop: “I prefer to be alone rather than hurt”.
Cause no.2 You have an avoidant attachment style
As a child, your emotional needs were neglected by your parents and you got used to not being able to count on others. The result is that you isolate yourself because you no longer have hope that relationships will bring you anything. You are hyperindependent. You can listen to episode 89 if you want to know more about attachment styles.
Cause no.3 You have had many relationships with a power dynamic
Relationships where you had to fight to be heard and your nervous system no longer has the capacity to keep fighting. It abandons the battle by brutally slowing down your physiology.
Cause no.4 Your dominant protection mechanism is disconnection from the body
Disconnection from the body, numbing yourself to avoid feeling discomfort, is your usual automatic reaction — for example because you had a difficult birth, medical interventions, you have had eating disorders, you use alcohol, drugs, pornography, your phone, TV. The repetition of these mechanisms means you often go into the dorsal state and it eventually becomes your dominant state. It is being often in this state that makes your social interactions more difficult. You can listen to episode 58 where I give advice on how to reconnect with your body.
Cause no.5 Shocks: the loss of a loved one, your experience with death, a sudden unexpected breakup, shocking events
If you have lost loved ones in an unnatural way, if you yourself have nearly died, or if you have experienced a sudden unexpected breakup, these shocks may have been so overwhelming that they tipped you into the dorsal state as your dominant state. I talk about death in episode 38 and about shock relationships in episode 105.
Cause no.6 Chronic physical or psychological stress lasting more than 6 months
Burnout, depression, post-partum depression, illness… all these events occur when the body can no longer manage chronic stress and your nervous system can tip into the dorsal state as its dominant state.
The origin of your difficulty with social engagement
It comes of course from your past relational experiences, your patterns that have either reduced the capacity/flexibility of your nervous system or push you to avoid relationships. To go further, watch my webinar “how to free yourself from the love patterns you learned from the past to finally be happy in love?”.
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How to get out of isolation?
The good news is that you can change this. Your nervous system is not broken, your capacity for social engagement is still there — you just need to support your nervous system to get there little by little.
Regaining energy: getting out of the dorsal state
When you are in the dorsal state, the first problem is regaining energy, because your reserves are exhausted and your physiology is running in slow motion.
Getting help from a naturopath or a functional medicine doctor to help your physiology regain energy by providing the necessary supplements and helping metabolic function in your body is essential.
Then it is about helping your nervous system understand that it is not in mortal danger, that it is safe to move and come back into movement.
Every time you feel frozen, blocked, switched off, you can very simply start to self-palpate to come back into connection with your body. If you feel you have a little more energy, practising gentle movement to show your body that movement is possible right now will help it come out of the dorsal state. I like the ECAP method for this.
When you come back to safety, it is normal to move from this dorsal state to a state of agitation (sympathetic state) because your body feels capable of finishing processing the stress that overwhelmed it and tipped you into the dorsal state. Welcome this agitation by shaking or pushing against a wall.
Working on the events that caused you to cut yourself off from others
If this fear of connecting is anchored, working on the wounds from the past that cause you to tip into this state will help you reconnect more easily. This is what we do in the Day of the Past option of my programme Opening Up to Love, a day of Somatic Deprogramming: a psycho-corporeal approach to deprogram the automatisms of the nervous system and reprogram new relational reflexes.
What is difficult for people with a dominant dorsal state is the patience required to regain energy, to feel their emotions, to be okay with feeling uncomfortable emotions. It is a path that requires a lot of love and compassion toward oneself and toward one’s body that has suffered a great deal and done its best.
Experimenting with secure and uplifting/supportive social engagement
Helping your nervous system experience relationships that are secure, that give you joy and energy instead of stressing you, will teach it to tip less into this state in relationships. And for this, one person is enough!
To this end, ask yourself what type of relationship nourishes you right now:
- Sometimes it is enough to be in a cafe with other people
- Sometimes it is easier to go to events with strangers than with people you know and with whom there is a history
- You can also define the framework that allows you to have a pleasant time without draining yourself: who, the time, the place, the context. For example, is an outdoor aperitif during the day better than a drink in a bar in the evening?
Pour aller plus loin
Si tu as envie d’approfondir le sujet et d’identifier tes propres schémas amoureux, tu as mon livre S’ouvrir à l’amour disponible dans toutes les librairies.
Je t’y présente un outil pour apprendre à ressentir tes limites dans l’engagement social et ce que tu peux faire quand tu sens que c’est trop avec l’exercice de la bulle.
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Going further
And if you would like to work on your love patterns and transform your love life, you have the programme Opening Up to Love.
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Editions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir a l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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