The 5 Mistakes That Keep You Single
168. The 5 Mistakes That Keep You Single
You have been single for a long time and it is not what you want and you do not understand why things are not working out for you in love. In this episode, Sandy Kaufmann lists the five most common mistakes that are keeping you single. Having accompanied more than 600 people, these mistakes come back systematically and the good news is that they can be corrected.
If you want more episodes on being single I have episode 99 on long-term singlehood and episode 133 which talks about the feeling of lack that one can feel during unwanted singlehood.
Mistake number 1: thinking it is the fault of your partners or bad luck if things do not work out in love
Being unhappy in love is not the fruit of chance — you are repeating the logic you took from your past which means that:
- You are attracted to certain people in love who correspond to the models you know and not necessarily what you want. In episode 29 I explain the process of how we fall in love if you want to learn more.
- You do not dare or you behave in a certain way in love that works against you. I explain this in more detail in episode 89 on attachment models.
Mistake number 2: not questioning your perceptions and your behaviours
If you often feel insecurity in a relationship (I talk about it more in episode 138 calming emotional insecurity) it does not always come from your partner’s behaviour but also:
- Because what you are experiencing reactivates insecurities from the past. It is an automatism of your nervous system that recognises a similarity between the perceptions of this situation and something you experienced in your past that put you in danger. In this situation, it is your nervous system that is trying to protect you.
- Through the perceptions you have of a situation (which are influenced by your past) and also cognitive biases of your brain that will confirm what you already believe about the other (confirmation bias) or see the negative first (negativity bias).
Mistake number 3: thinking that on apps it is only hook-ups
And you are not the only one to think that — there is also the press, the media, the social networks that put out small-scale studies affirming this.
The most recent is this 2023 study, widely shared on social networks, according to which half of Tinder users genuinely want to meet people and 66% of people registered on the dating app are in fact… in a couple or even married. If you look at the study, it was done on a sample of 1387 people!!!
Whereas if you want a statistically more relevant study, the OFS study in Switzerland in 2023 on 33,204 people shows that 26.9% of couples together for more than 5 years in Switzerland met thanks to apps.
So yes, you need the right approach on the apps because you are more confronted with rejection, interpretation and people’s lack of attention. I give my advice in episode 23. But apps are a real help for meeting people!
❤️ Watch my webinar on how to finally be happy in love!
Mistake number 4: not looking and waiting for love to come to you
“It comes when you are not looking for it”, “It will come when it comes, when the moment is right for you”. These expressions (personally I hated them when I was single) simply put you in a position of waiting and powerlessness.
If I make the parallel with looking for the job of your dreams and I tell you that you just have to wait for it to come to you. Are you going to wait on your sofa for that job to arrive or are you going to try to create opportunities for yourself? And why would it be different in love?
Often the argument behind this is that if you look you are in the awareness of your lack and that when you are in this vibration you cannot manifest and receive what you want. But if you listen to episode 120 that I made with Sophie Chaque on manifestation, manifesting is putting yourself in the energy of what you want to receive, trusting that it will arrive with the right timing — it does not mean that you should do nothing.
Mistake number 5: thinking there is not a deeper reason at the origin of your singlehood
If you have always been single… and yet you want to be in a relationship. There is a reason.
Staying single is an unconscious way of protecting yourself from suffering in a relationship. It is often due to your past experiences (from childhood or your previous relationships).
Among my coachees who are in long-term singlehood, for 80% of them this is the main reason!
The good news is that this is not inevitable. When this protection is deeply anchored in the body — not only in the thoughts — the most effective work goes through a psycho-corporeal approach: this is what we do with the Day of the Past option, a day of Somatic Deprogramming: a psycho-corporeal approach to deprogram the automatisms of the nervous system and reprogram new relational reflexes, as an option in the programme Opening Up to Love.
To go further watch my webinar “how to free yourself from the love patterns you learned from the past to finally be happy in love?”.
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Going further
Si tu as envie d’approfondir le sujet et d’identifier tes propres schémas amoureux, tu as mon livre S’ouvrir à l’amour disponible dans toutes les librairies.
S'ouvrir à l'Amour
Le livre qui va te permettre d'identifier tes schémas amoureux et te permettre d'apprendre les clefs pour construire une relation saine
Going further
And if you would like to do the work on your love patterns and transform your love life you have the programme Opening Up to Love.
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir a l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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