Soothing Emotional Insecurity
138. Soothing Emotional Insecurity
Do you often feel anxious, stressed, worried or afraid when entering a relationship, and would you like to feel more serene and at peace?
In this episode I’ll define what emotional insecurity is, where it comes from, and what you can do to soothe it.
What Is Emotional Insecurity?
It’s all those times you feel insecure about your relationship, and it isn’t connected to what’s actually happening in the relationship — despite the facts being fine, you overreact emotionally or react in a way that doesn’t fit the situation, for example:
- When you have a disproportionate fit for no reason
- When you feel disproportionate fear in the absence of news
- When you panic as soon as you don’t control the situation
You often realize you’re emotionally insecure yourself because you notice that you don’t want to react this way but it’s as if it’s stronger than you, and you can’t reason yourself out of it in the moment.
Careful, I’m not saying this removes all responsibility for your actions.
❤️ Watch my webinar on how to finally be happy in Love!
Where Does Emotional Insecurity Come From?
Simply because the situation you’re living now has reactivated a state of insecurity, because this situation — more precisely how your five senses perceive it — resembles something you experienced in the past that put you in survival mode at the time.
Your nervous system reacts with a state of insecurity as a way to warn you of possible danger.
This reaction is useful when there’s a real survival danger, and it’s inappropriate when it goes against how you’d rationally like to act.
In short, it’s what’s recorded at the level of your nervous system that creates your emotional insecurity. This is what I call your love patterns.
You can listen to episode 89 on attachment models and the nervous system, or watch my free webinar explaining “How to free yourself from the patterns that keep you from being happy in love?”
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FREE Webinar "HOW TO FREE OURSELVES FROM THE PATTERNS THAT PREVENT US FROM BEING HAPPY IN LOVE?"
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How to Soothe Your Emotional Insecurity?
p>For me there are three main ways:
- Deprogram your love patterns through your body, to deactivate what triggers your inappropriate reactions and to reduce their amplitude — meaning the duration and intensity of the reaction you have. This is what you do in the Opening up to love program
- Support yourself when the emotion is there. In these moments, there’s no need to judge yourself for being in this state — you’re not doing it on purpose; on the contrary, judging yourself for what you feel tends to have the opposite effect and worsens the intensity of what you’re experiencing. Go through your body to regulate and return to a state of security. You can listen to episode 122 on how to regulate your emotions, where I give more advice.
- Create more inner security, and security through connection. Your love patterns — the ones behind your emotional insecurity — were formed in moments of emotional distress where you couldn’t regulate yourself (impossible as a child) or through an adult, via co-regulation. To reverse the process, you need to rebuild a relationship of trust with your body and your nervous system, meaning understanding what’s happening inside you, being able to feel what’s going on within so you can respond to it and support yourself as needed. It’s about learning to know yourself physiologically and instinctively. The second step is then to find security through connection. For me, it’s an illusion to think you can free yourself from your emotional insecurity in a relationship simply by working on yourself alone. You need to experience what a secure connection feels like (it’s up to you, of course, to create the conditions), gradually regain trust in the connection, and also know that even if that trust falters, you’ll always be there for yourself.
This is what you learn in Opening up to love, the result of my 8 years of practice. You can take the Day of the Past option, a day of Somatic Deprogramming: psycho-corporeal work to deprogram nervous system automatisms and reprogram new relational reflexes.
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir à l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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