How to Handle the Other Person's Indecision?
107. How to Handle the Other Person’s Indecision?
You feel like you’re meeting indecisive men (if you’re a man you can follow the same reasoning for the indecisive women you meet) or people who don’t want to commit or who constantly change their minds, who don’t know what they want, and you’d like to know how to get them to react and take a position?
So this episode, fueled by my 8 years of practice in coaching, will help you and shake you up.
Is It True?
The first aspect I invite you to observe is whether indecision is a character trait of this person or whether the indecision mainly concerns their commitment to you in the relationship.
To do so you can ask yourself the following questions:
- Does this person make decisions easily in their life?
- Does this person change their mind easily in their life?
- Is this person’s life stable, is their life direction consciously chosen, or is it rather life that chooses for them?
- Does this person have ADHD, indecision often being a characteristic? I’ll let you listen to episode 87 on this subject.
If after answering these questions:
- You realize that this person is indecisive in their life, you can then understand their indecision in the relationship. It’s then up to you to see whether it’s a character trait you manage to accept and if so to what extent.
- You realize that this person makes decisions in their life, you can first ask yourself whether/which behaviors coming from you may have provoked their indecision: have you lacked clarity about your own intentions, are you smothering them (listen to EP 74 on emotional dependency) do you acknowledge what the other does for the relationship, are you blaming them (I invite you to listen to EP 82 for more advice on communication and EP 7 to find out whether you cultivate fear or love more in your couple? ). Don’t forget that a relationship is a system and that your actions influence the other’s reactions. Make the corrections in your behaviors that seem necessary to you and clarify with the other the reasons for their indecision.
❤️ Watch my webinar on how to finally be happy in love!
You're Not Here to Make the Other Person's Decision Easier
The mistake I often see in the people I accompany is showing a “lighter version” of yourself to indecisive people to motivate the other to choose you: not asking for too much, being patient, appearing cool and spontaneous when you like to plan, leaving the other time to decide…
I don’t mean you should only consider yourself in the relationship but to consider yourself as much as the other in the equation of the relationship (you can listen to episode 84 on the emotional bank account on this subject) and to be as empathetic toward the other as toward yourself (I talk about it more in episode 68).
By showing a lighter version of yourself you will make the decision even harder for the other and for you because you/they won’t really be able to verify your compatibility.
Decide Your Room for Maneuver
Giving the other more time to decide will not help them decide, quite the opposite, because you remove the consequences of their non-decision.
Here I’m not saying you should put unnecessary pressure on the other but to respect your timing and your limit with the same priority.
There’s a deeper reason if you meet indecisive people
These are your love patterns. Depending on the past experiences you lived that formed your unconscious vision of what love is, you will be attracted to people who make you relive this wound and who will be an opportunity for you to overcome it:
- Someone with the betrayal wound often has difficulty acting in alignment with their needs and limits (you can listen to EP 5 and 15 on this) which potentially means that this person will let indecisive people leave them in this waiting.
- Someone who has the indecision pattern themselves because for example in their past they had bad experiences with deciding (negative consequences, regret…) will have a hard time asking their partner to decide.
- Someone who lived many situations of no control or sudden unpredictable changes in their past will often unconsciously choose indecisive partners who suddenly change their minds.
If you want to know more about how to free yourself from your love patterns and why you need to go through the body, sign up for my free webinar “HOW TO FREE YOURSELF FROM THE PATTERNS THAT KEEP US FROM BEING HAPPY IN LOVE?”
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All this work of learning to communicate your limits and doing deep work on love patterns, you do it in the program Opening up to love. You can take the Day of the Past option, a day of Somatic Deprogramming: psycho-corporeal work to deprogram nervous system automatisms and reprogram new relational reflexes.
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir à l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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