The Magic Wand
in a Couple
102. The Magic Wand in a Couple
Maybe you see some couples, together for a long time, still full of mutual admiration?
You see women who can’t stop praising what their husbands do and you tell yourself it’s a bit exaggerated?
Or you observe men who remain attentive toward their wives and you wonder how these women manage it and you don’t?
I confirm to you, with the hindsight of the 600 people I’ve accompanied, that there really is a magic wand in a couple and I’m going to share it with you in this new episode.
If you want more advice to make your couple last, I invite you to listen to episode 71 the secret of couples who last.
Stop Taking What You're Given for Granted
There is no rule, no law that says what you must or must not do in a couple.
When your partner shows you attention, they are not obliged to do it, they choose to do it.
Remember how happy you were, at the beginning of the relationship, when he wrote you a message to ask how you were; you certainly felt joy because you barely knew him and all the more appreciated that he prioritized his time/attention for you. Why does it have less effect on you a few years/months later?
Quite simply because you take it for granted. By ceasing to take for granted what the other does, you will automatically appreciate more what the other does.
To go all the way with the exercise I invite you to write down all the things the other does for you, small and big
- For the relationship
- For you
- For the home if you live together
- For the family if you have children
- Every time they accept you as you are, encourage you, support you.
Learn to Appreciate What You Have
The second step consists in feeling joy when one of these things your partner does happens.
You can do this consciously by changing your inner dialogue, telling yourself for example “It’s a proof of love from my partner” “They’re not obliged to do it but they choose to do it for me” or any other thought that will help you feel joy.
To understand why your thoughts influence how you feel I invite you to listen to episode 12 Emotional Responsibility.
Acknowledge What the Other Does for You
The third step will be to show your appreciation to your partner by telling them. “I love it when you think of making my coffee in the morning, I take it as a proof of love” “Thank you for not getting angry when I did that…” “It warms my heart to see everything you do for our family…”
The impact of what you say at this step largely depends on step 2. If your partner feels the joy it gives you, the words you say to them will have a greater impact on them. Remember your vibe speaks louder than your words!
❤️ Watch my webinar on how to finally be happy in love!
Be Lenient About What Matters Less
Not all of the other’s actions/commitments are equal.
Think about assessing the weight of each action to consciously choose to focus on the essential and to be lenient about the rest.
To better know what adds credit or debit to the relationship, I invite you to listen to episode 84 on the emotional bank account.
A Challenge to Do Together
I invite you to do a challenge that the couple therapists Harville Hendrick and Helene Lakelly Hunt have put in place in the couple and as a therapeutic tool (they explain it in their books and in EP 72).
For 30 days each partner notes with a smiley how they felt appreciated in the relationship according to THEIR perception. The goal is to get smileys on both sides for 30 days in a row.
You can stick the sheet on your fridge. I assure you it will force you to properly assess what is important and where it’s worth being lenient.
Going further
If you see that you can’t get out of blame, it’s probably that you’ve accumulated a lot of past baggage and/or that you’re in a crisis (more info in episode 47 getting through a couple crisis) and at that point it’s worth getting help before reaching a point of no return. You can take the Day of the Past option, a day of Somatic Deprogramming: psycho-corporeal work to deprogram nervous system automatisms and reprogram new relational reflexes.
Une première étape : mon livre
Tu as mon livre Les couples heureux…osent aborder les sujets qui fâchent disponible dans toutes les librairies.
Contrairement aux idées reçues, les couples qui durent ne sont pas ceux qui évitent les conflits mais qui savent les traverser. Le livre Les couples heureux..osent aborder les sujets qui fâchent t'explique comment transformer vos tensions en connexion en 5 étapes!
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir à l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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