Aurélie Jean: The Code Has Changed — Love and Sexuality in the Age of Algorithms (Dating Apps)
172. Aurélie Jean: The Code Has Changed — Love and Sexuality in the Age of Algorithms (Dating Apps)
Many of you complain about dating apps: few profiles looking for a serious relationship, ghosting, lack of respect or mini-aggressions, the feeling of meeting nobody interesting, of being in the supermarket of dating, fake profiles and dating fatigue that sets in and creates a great deal of disappointment and discouragement in dating in general.
I have already made several episodes addressing the subject of dating apps and my empirical observations based on the people I have accompanied:
- EP 22 Hannah Antony from Factice: dating burnout
- EP 23 My tips for meeting someone on the Internet
- EP 33 Getting over ghosting
- EP 34 Why so much frustration on dating sites?
- EP 129 Live coaching on dating apps
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Understanding how an algorithm works
The book explains very easily the workings of an algorithm — I advise you to buy the book already for that because we are immersed in algorithms. In summary there are two components to an algorithm:
- An explicit component, meaning where we give execution logic to the algorithm. If I take the example of apps, if you specify that you are looking for a man or a woman in a certain age range and with a certain geolocation, the algorithm will show you what you are looking for.
- An implicit component defines the algorithm based on users’ usage, for example if you swipe left or right, if you click on certain people or not, if you look at certain photos or not, if you speak to certain people or not. This will create categories of users and you will receive suggestions based on the category in which you have been classified. This part is a kind of black box where matching criteria are not explicit and this part is not only greatly influenced by our human biases but it multiplies our biases.
The biases this algorithmisation creates
As I told you, the biases are multiplied and I will try to list for you, based on the book, the main effects:
- Technological discrimination: algorithms intensify existing discrimination. Racism: Black women and Asian men are for example more rejected and consequently less favoured in their degree of attractiveness. Fatphobia: being overweight is also less valued. Patriarchy: Women who earn more or who have only a salary gap with men frighten men and consequently your income level negatively impacts your attractiveness as a woman. Less social mixing: Algorithms will suggest profiles similar to yours, minimise social mixing, using non-communicated but deduced social distinction criteria. For example the photos you upload: the setting, your clothes, the background of your photo reflects a certain social class and you will be matched with certain people rather than others on this basis.
- Reinforcement of your personal discrimination: without social pressure you allow yourself to choose people with more extreme criteria than in real life where social pressure forces you to be more tolerant/respectful. It is also what explains why people allow themselves to ghost or send unsolicited photos. This includes the too-rapid exclusion of people who do not match your criteria or exclusion based on superficial criteria because they have a t-shirt that doesn’t suit them in the photo, they have the same name as one of your exes or you don’t like the decor of their apartment.
- Increased crystallisation of the other: with a few photos and a profile description you have only 20% of the person’s information which forces you to project onto the other, to form a false idea and therefore increases your chances of being disappointed.
- Showing a false image of yourself: It is unconscious and automatic — you will show an image of yourself that will increase your chances of being matched by staging yourself in a certain way that only reflects part of you and not reality. You increase the chances of the other being disappointed.
- Commodification of relationships (not due to the algorithm): The feeling of choosing your partner from a catalogue reinforces the feeling of competition and pressure. It is supply and demand rather than 2 people meeting.
- The goal of apps is not to put you in a couple but to generate revenue from your singlehood. In summary, the app is not trying to put you in a couple.
- App addiction: Nothing to do with the algorithm but like all apps on your mobile phone they are designed to encourage you to consume more by rewarding you with dopamine shots on each use, making you more and more addicted.
The consequences of algorithmisation in dating in general
The impact of dating apps is not only on the apps but also in real-life meetings:
- Demotivation in the dating process
- Tendency to compare oneself to the “market”: you put a lot of pressure on yourself, lowered self-esteem
- Commodification of exchanges that I will extend to the way of meeting the other — I include the belief that getting to know a person is quick or it has to lead somewhere quickly (I talk about it in episode 126 How to make friends as an adult?), hyperconnectivity which reduces quality of connection, Aurélie Jean’s view: a lowering of one’s standards
- Indecision in the choice of partner in case there is something better (the famous FOMO — I talk about it in episode 132 Is this the right partner for me?)
- Evaluating your partners based on wrong criteria
- Criteria you think are good, not necessarily those that are important in your life (you see them more through your values)
- Not based on their capacity to relate (listen to episode 133 on green flags)
Should we throw the dating apps in the bin?
I admit that my tips from episode 23 were not so bad knowing that they were based on empirical observation of my coachees.
So here are my tips for enlightened use:
- Dating apps are just a connection tool (imagine a telephone directory). The meeting starts at the first date.
- Take the time to validate your criteria and challenge them before signing up
- Does age or appearance or geolocation restrict your searches too much?
- Are you basing your criteria on values or more superficial aspects?
- What is your room for manoeuvre?
- Conscious swiping. Don’t swipe on impulse but do it consciously based on your pre-defined criteria and with your pre-defined room for manoeuvre. Keep a journal of your swipes — you might be surprised by the reasons why you swipe.
- Alignment. If you have established criteria but act differently on the app (you swipe for people who are not looking for serious relationships or sort only on appearance), the algorithm amplifies your non-alignment! If you see that you have been non-aligned, delete your account and start from scratch.
- No projection of the other. You only have 20% of the info on the other and so your margin of error is large. Shorten the time spent online and meet the person as quickly as possible to avoid this crystallisation (video call or meet in real life)
- Create a profile as aligned as possible: note in the profile description who you are and what relationship and person you are looking for (this works like SEO for the algorithm). Plan a photo that increases your attractiveness (for the algorithm as you would put a nice photo on Instagram) and mix with normal photos to minimise auto-crystallisation.
- Set a maximum time to maintain a good life balance.
- Don’t give up on real-life meetings which allow you to meet a greater variety of profiles and let yourself be surprised by life.
The forgotten element of apps
If you meet lots of people in real life or on apps and despite this you cannot meet the right person or build a lasting relationship, it is worth digging into more or less conscious fears and the skills you lack. Often it is linked because it comes from the love models you learned in your childhood and where you learned what to do or not to do to be loved.
To go further, watch my webinaire “How to free yourself from love patterns to finally be happy in love?”.
For you
FREE Webinar "HOW TO FREE OURSELVES FROM THE PATTERNS THAT PREVENT US FROM BEING HAPPY IN LOVE?"
Subscribe now to my newsletter and receive the replay of the webinar how a wound from the past is created ?
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Going further
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Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir a l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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Agenda
In diesem kostenlosen Webinar wirst du lernen:
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Du bist
am richtigen Ort,
wenn...
- Du bist schon seit langer Zeit Single oder erlebst eine Niederlage nach der anderen?
- Hast du es satt, immer die “nicht die richtige” Person zu finden?
- Du hast das Gefühl, dass du immer wieder die gleichen Muster in der Liebe wiederholst?
- Du bist in einer Beziehung, aber dein Partner engagiert sich nicht oder behandelt dich nicht so, wie du es dir wünschst?
- Du hast das Gefühl, alles versucht zu haben, aber keine konkreten oder dauerhaften Ergebnisse erzielt zu haben??
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