The 1-Month Milestone
92. The 1-Month Milestone
You’ve mostly had short relationships
You have a hard time getting past a certain stage in a relationship: 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, living together…?
You panic, you feel insecure especially at the beginning of the relationship when you don’t know if the other is interested?
Or you have this insecurity as soon as you feel the person likes you (after 2-3 dates)
So this podcast episode, drawn from my 8 years of practice in coaching, is for you.
Understand Your Protection Mechanism
This feeling of insecurity is always a disguised protection mechanism.
Look at your last 5 dates and observe what triggers this insecurity in you, for example:
- The other’s interest dropping?
- He calls less or texts you less than at the beginning?
- The beginning of your feelings?
- Because you’re approaching a milestone in the relationship?
And then observe how your insecurity shows up:
- In your physiology: What is its level? Where do you feel this insecurity? Is it more fear or anxiety? When do you feel it? Is this insecurity more focused on the past (“I’m going to repeat again…) or the future (“he’s going to leave me…”)?
- In your actions toward him: you avoid him, you cling more, you “offload” your insecurity onto him, you throw tantrums at another time for nothing, you forget your needs so as to disturb him as little as possible?
- In your life balance between the time spent with him and/or alone, with your friends: you put things on hold to be available or you keep doing what does you good?
- In your communication : you are passive-aggressive, you blame him, you communicate violently (Episode 82 for more advice on communication)? or else you play the perfect girlfriend with no problems, extra nice?
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Recognize the True Source of Your Insecurity
- Do the other’s actions/lack of actions show the other’s interest or commitment? (you can look at Episode 91 for more details on that)
- Is it you who is doing too much, going too fast, projecting out of a wish for it to work and who ultimately feels this insecurity because you gave too much, you got too carried away? (I talk about this getting carried away in Episode 50 The Disney syndrome, and about emotional debt in Episode 84)
- What is the story you tell yourself (your thoughts)?
Balance Between Your Inner and Outer Security
p>To decide what part of your insecurity you want to be able to take on yourself, ask yourself the following questions: does the relationship as a whole suit me (frequency of visits…)? If so, what type of partner do I want to be? Do I want to be a partner who leaves all this freedom to my partner or what seems right to me?
I talk to you more about this balance between inner and outer security in episode 67.
And about taking on your insecurity for the part you wish to learn to tolerate and seeing what you can put in place to get there:
- Regulate your nervous system for example with breathing exercises. (The exercise from EP 54 can help you with obsessive thoughts)
- See your friends/surround yourself when you’re not with him to feel connected. You need to feel a connection with people you love, not just fill your schedule to make it work.
- Plan activities that clear your head and bring you back to the present moment
- If you feel that you overreact to this situation it means a wound from your past is being reactivated by this experience, it’s worth doing deep work on your triggers (thoughts or wounds from the past) at the level of the body, of your survival system because it’s physiologically difficult to reason with yourself at that moment.
For you
FREE Webinar "HOW TO FREE OURSELVES FROM THE PATTERNS THAT PREVENT US FROM BEING HAPPY IN LOVE?"
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This is what you learn in the program Opening up to love. You can take the Day of the Past option, a day of Somatic Deprogramming: psycho-corporeal work to deprogram nervous system automatisms and reprogram new relational reflexes.
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir à l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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