Based on what I’ve observed with the 600 clients I’ve had the honor of coaching, and if you consider that as I described in episode 152 your nervous system wants to ensure your survival, there are 4 categories of relationship patterns that fall into 2 pathways:

• The threat pathway The world (including others) is threatening, what I do or don’t do influences the level of external threat and therefore also influences my ability to create connection, to be happy in love.
• The rejection pathway What I am or am not prevents me from being in connection. Whatever I do, I don’t have my place or I don’t have support from connection.

Which makes sense ultimately. If your relationship patterns are recorded in your nervous system, which is your survival system, there are only 2 things that can harm your survival, namely:

• The level of threat and your personal ability to face that threat. A wolf won’t be afraid of a rabbit but if it confronts a bear, the threat is different.

• Belonging to the group. A wolf excluded from its pack won’t be able to face threat the same way as a wolf surrounded by its pack.

The Threat Pathway

The threat pathway includes 3 mechanisms ranked in increasing order of intensity:

• The misalignment is when you do something contrary to what you want in order to adapt to your environment (you sacrifice yourself to minimize the threat) and ultimately maximize your chances of being loved (reminder: staying in connection is essential to your survival). You know what you want but you prioritize what others expect of you.
• The absence of boundaries is the level above. You’ve been so misaligned or disrespected that you no longer know how to distinguish what your own boundaries are, your own needs and you go either into too much or into vagueness. It’s as if there’s no longer a barrier between you and others.
• Powerlessness in the face of lack of control and the unknown. This mechanism occurs when the level of threat is sudden or intense enough and you had no control over the situation. It can trigger 2 opposite reactions: either you try to maintain control at all costs or you freeze and endure even if internally you want to act.

Category 1: Misalignment

Misalignment is a mechanism of adapting your actions to reduce external threat or maintain connection. In love, this mechanism shows up in different forms:

• • Self-betrayal. You know your boundaries but you don’t respect your own boundaries (what you say or do is not aligned with your own boundaries or needs), you communicate your boundaries but let others encroach on your boundaries (you don’t react), you lie to yourself and minimize the other’s actions (you underestimate).
  • You avoid situations where you feel misalignment instead of confronting them, for example by avoiding clarifying the status of the relationship with your crush.
  • You jump quickly into projections instead of observing the facts (mental escape), for example you act as if you’re in a relationship after a few dates even though your date hasn’t clearly said they want to commit to you or “signs” are more important than facts, for example you consult horoscopes or tarot, you pay attention to signs from the universe that “explain” your meeting, you stay in an unfulfilling relationship because you think it’s your twin flame.
  • You “attack” before there’s a real threat. The best defense being offense, you find yourself getting worked up and anticipating the worst at the slightest decrease in your partner’s interest.
  • You’re stuck in doing. You feel powerless about your romantic situation and unable to take action: difficulty leaving even though you’re not happy, difficulty creating opportunities to meet people even though you want to be in a relationship, difficulty having a difficult conversation.
  • You adopt a model you know. You notice that you act like your mother or father in relationships (who forgot themselves, who sacrificed themselves, who was submissive…) even though consciously you reject their model.

• You’re attracted to a model you know. Your father or mother are far from ideal partners but you realize that you often enter into relationships with partners who have the same negative common characteristics.

• You’ve been so misaligned that you feel boiling with anger inside and you have trouble communicating without being aggressive.

Category 2: Absence of Boundaries

In this mechanism, you no longer really have awareness of the boundary between the outside and yourself, it’s almost difficult to identify if the threat comes from you or from others. In love, this mechanism shows up in different forms:

• You’re not really aware of your boundaries. You realize after the fact that your boundaries have been crossed physically or emotionally.
• You mold yourself to others’ expectations to please. This mechanism can be more or less conscious and range from simple over-adaptation (people pleasing) to the impression of having lived for others or having forged an identity that reflects what others expect of you and you no longer know who you really are. (Submission)
• Indecision. There’s been so much disrespect of your boundaries (by yourself or others) that you no longer know what’s good or bad for you, you avoid clarifying and stay in vagueness, you have trouble sorting things out and making decisions.
• You give more importance to others’ opinions or your partner’s opinion than to your own, you have trouble evaluating a situation and lack confidence in your judgment.
• You may have trouble “closing” your options: breaking up, keeping your flirtations “open” just in case, postponing the moment when you’ll make a decision about the relationship.
• Excess. You’re constantly in too much, in excess (eating too much, working too much, being too busy, analyzing too much). In love, this translates to a feeling that relationships take all your energy, that you love too much (too much, too fast, too hard, you’re addicted to intense emotions), by the fact that you adopt savior syndrome (“he/she has a difficult past,” “he/she is going through a hard time”) or that you’re addicted to drama or chaos (the “nice ones” bore you) or finally that you accept abuse from others. It’s a level above betrayal because your reaction mechanisms involve your body even more (burnout, addictions, eating disorders, rumination, anxiety, panic attacks, relational exhaustion, obsessive behaviors like stalking your crush on social media, checking their phone, dating burnout, accepting things you don’t want sexually, sexual addiction…)

Category 3: Powerlessness in the Face of Lack of Control and the Unknown

In this mechanism, you’re in constant anticipation of what might happen to avoid experiencing lack of control and the unknown again. In love, this mechanism shows up in different forms:

• You’re hypervigilant to your partner’s actions: the number of times he/she texts you, differences in what he/she texts you, in their displays of affection, in the number of times you make love…
• You quickly feel distressed in situations you can’t control, for example if your partner doesn’t react as usual, doesn’t respond, if you don’t know their intentions, in case of ghosting.
• You’re afraid of losing control over your own behaviors: you’re afraid of being too emotional or too reactive. In reality, you either put a lid on it and show nothing or you explode.
• You’re reactive and can’t calm down anymore, can’t “regain control.”
• You’re afraid to dare risk relationships or you go toward risk-free partners who don’t excite you.
• It’s difficult for you to let yourself go to your feelings and have the feeling of “losing control.”
• You tend to want to control your partner or to take on everything. You need to know and plan. Your partner complains of feeling suffocated.
• You stay in the past and can’t turn the page after a breakup, when you remember certain events from your childhood or when you’ve made a mistake you regret.

Category 4: Self-Rejection or Rejection of One’s Existence

This mechanism occurs when you have the impression that something is wrong with you, that you’re not enough or that who you are prevents you from being in connection. In love this mechanism shows up in different forms:

• You feel like you have to fight or earn your place to be loved. You compensate for your being through doing but it doesn’t change the situation.
• You have the feeling of never being enough: that your appearance, your age, your personality, your intelligence… is not enough to be attractive.
• You try to show a perfect image of yourself and you have trouble showing yourself authentically.
• You have the feeling of not having your place, of being unwanted and it’s as if love stays at a distance or you think that love is not for you. You feel excluded from groups.
• You feel an emotional void, an inner emptiness that you can’t fill.
• You disconnect from your sensations, you’ve closed your heart and your body. You have trouble feeling your emotions, whether you’re in love or not or feeling pleasure physically or sexually.
• You don’t see when someone shows interest in you or you see it but don’t believe it.
• You lose hope (what’s the point) and may feel like you have no luck in love or in life.
• You may feel like you no longer feel joy, pleasure or don’t find meaning in life.
• You feel like it’s easier for others or for the other gender.
• You quickly feel guilty and turn the fight against yourself (toxic shame): “it’s my fault if it’s happening like this,” “I don’t deserve to,” “I’ve ruined everything again” “who do you think you are” “who are you to think that…”. This mechanism can range from simple self-deprecation to self-destructive behaviors.