He Doesn't Reply to Me and I'm Anxious, What Should I Do?
In episode 112 of S’ouvrir à l’amour I’m going to give you my advice, drawn from the 600 people I’ve accompanied, to put an end to this constant inner struggle.
The feeling of constantly walking on eggshells in a relationship
This infernal spiral turns you upside down, you no longer even enjoy being in a relationship, because you feel like you are constantly in an inner fight with yourself, asking yourself what you are doing right and what you are doing wrong.
You’re fed up with being anxious about each of his moves.
What can you do to stop this mental bicycle, this permanent anxiety?
Calm Your Mental Bicycle
When the emotion of anxiety is there it is because your nervous system feels unsafe, either activated in its sympathetic state where you can feel agitated, want to act in all directions (attack or flee) or in its parasympathetic state (dorsal vagal) where you feel powerless in the face of the situation, blocked, frozen. (you can listen to episode 57 to learn more about your nervous system and polyvagal theory)
When you are in this state, you are in survival mode and there is no point trying to calm yourself with reason (it’s often difficult or even impossible anyway because what “commands” your brain is your autonomic nervous system).
The best thing to do is to go through the body to regulate your nervous system, for example by using your breathing.
You can simply start by breathing through your nose while exhaling for longer.
When you feel calm gradually coming back inside you, you can orient yourself in your space by gently turning your head to look at the different things that occupy this space. Orienting allows your nervous system to reassure itself because it sees no danger around. This only works if you manage to feel a little calm inside, which is why I recommend that you breathe first.
I’m offering you other tools that can help you at this moment because each person is different and some tools will work for you and others won’t.
For example I have this emergency meditation that lets you calm down in the moment and avoid sinking into a circle of negative thoughts.
You can also try this whistling breath from Kundalini yoga to calm your anxiety.
Or this brain gym method to reconnect with yourself.
Try these different methods and find the method that is most effective for you.
If you often have obsessive thoughts, you can also practice this Kundalini Yoga exercise for 40 days in a row to lose this habit. If you have had this for many years, you may need to push it to 120 days.
Understand What Generates This Mental Bicycle
There is often a thought that was the trigger for this chain of dark ideas.
The mental bicycle starts when you judge your actions (can I, is it right?), when you feel guilty about your choice (what if because of this he leaves or I scare him away), when your inner judgments start to spin in a loop in your head and you have trouble telling true from false, what is real from your projections, what is right or not right to do at this stage of the relationship.
To stop the mental bicycle before it starts, try to spot the first thought that came to you and give yourself the right to choose a new thought that lets you avoid falling into this spiral of toxic thinking. This is the famous “Choose again” method by Gabby Bernstein or the model by Brooke Castillo that I use in my coaching and that Clotilde Dusoulier talks about in her podcast Change ma vie.
For example if your boyfriend doesn’t reply to your text right away instead of thinking “he doesn’t love me”, you can think “he’s busy, he didn’t have time to reply to me”.
Or if you communicated a need to your partner instead of thinking “I was too demanding”, you can think “I expressed my real need of the moment”.
Stop Questioning Your Judgment
This reflex of questioning your judgment is no coincidence.
Maybe you learned from your past experiences that your judgment wasn’t right, that you don’t have the right to make mistakes in a relationship or that you have to be perfect to be loved, meaning never make mistakes.
Watch my free webinar to understand how you may have created this pattern of mistrust toward your judgment.
For you
FREE Webinar "HOW TO FREE OURSELVES FROM THE PATTERNS THAT PREVENT US FROM BEING HAPPY IN LOVE?"
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By changing this pattern of mistrust toward your judgment, you will notice that you will be less anxious because you will be less dependent on the other to assess the accuracy of your judgment.
Regain Confidence in Your Judgment and Cultivate More Emotional Independence
This inner struggle you feel, your partner is not responsible for solving it. It’s up to you to soothe it by creating more security inside yourself, notably by regaining confidence in your judgment (working on your past and assessing your judgment objectively) and by cultivating more emotional independence. This is what we do in the program Opening up to love.
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir à l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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