When the beginnings are complicated with a man, should we persist?
You have met someone recently and all is not well: misunderstandings and arguments
Clearly, the beginning of your relationship is difficult and you may wonder if it’s worth insisting?
You’d like to know how to deal with the main obstacles at the beginning of a love story and how to avoid giving up too soon.
Then this article is for you.
Figure out what’s in your past and what’s not really working in this relationship.
The first step is to list everything that is difficult in this relationship: communication, listening to your needs, mutual commitment, misunderstandings, and arguments…
And for every thing you can list try questioning yourself whether you’ve had this problem in the past or not.
If the elements of disagreement are patterns from the past that you repeat, it is necessary to heal the wounds of your past that can sabotage your current love relationship.
If you want to know how your past influences your love life, my free webinar can help.
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If the pattern you are repeating is not detrimental to your personal well-being (e.g. you would like him to be more involved or you are jealous in certain situations, but you are not in a relationship with a narcissistic pervert), it may be worth insisting that you learn to act differently from what your past has dictated.
Evaluate what is not due to your past.
Until the couple decides to live together, each partner is in a phase of choice where they have to decide if the timing for this relationship is right, if they want to commit to a relationship and if the person is right for them.
Tensions, disagreements or misunderstandings often arise when partners have not made the same choices.
In this case you should ask yourself if you have a concern about your partner’s behaviour, how they interact with you and whether this behaviour is changeable or whether it covers unchangeable aspects of their personality, yours or your personal choices:
- He doesn’t want a long-term relationship, and you do…
- You like to be calm, he’s super active.
- He doesn’t like to see his friends and you do…
It is an illusion to think that the other will change their personality, their desires or their timing just for you. So if your area of disagreement is based on fundamental differences in choices, timing or personalities, it is not worth insisting.
The mistake that is often made is to get involved in a relationship without having clearly defined what you want BEFORE you even meet that special person.
This way you will choose your partner more consciously, instead of just feeling and listening to the butterflies in your belly. And defining what you want in love is much more than just defining what you don’t want. It requires clarity and it is a whole module in my 4 week online program Opening up to Love.
And if it’s just an interaction problem
Your partner should also do the same assessment you just did to realize if he also has love patterns from his past that are resurfacing in your current relationship.
Once each partner has isolated what came from their past, it is a matter of finding a dialogue that allows each partner’s vision to be examined and a solution to be found together.
On this end you can try for example, the principle of the imago method which advises to give equal speaking time to each partner without the other interrupting.
In my individual coaching, you will learn the communication tools that will help you overcome crisis, express your limits without putting pressure on your partner and understand the physiological differences between men and women that make it impossible for both to communicate together.
