What to do, your partner says I have suffered a lot I need time to think
Do these phrases resonate with you:
“His ex was very jealous, he’s afraid I’ll be the same”
“He had a difficult childhood, he’s afraid of being a father himself”
“He tells me I’d better look for someone better than him, because he doesn’t know if he’s capable of loving again”
“He tells me that he was very hurt by his last relationship”
“He needs to think, he’s lost”
Everyone has a more or less painful past.
You want to be understanding and not force him to love you.
But at the same time you don’t want to hope for nothing.
How can you tell if it’s a real fear or just an excuse?
This article will analyse the different possible cases.
Case 1 It is a hidden invitation to (re)define the relationship
This kind of sentence often occurs after a few dates, when one person expresses the desire to see or phone each other regularly and the other is not ready to do so.
The sentence states what the other person is ready to give or not, without being very clear about what this means in practice for the relationship: will he or she still make the effort or is it a case of take it or leave it?
What matters in this case is not so much what is said but your reaction to it. Because if you are understanding, if you give him more time without talking about your needs, even though you want something else, you are implicitly accepting the new “terms” of the relationship which show that he is not really interested.
Case 2 It is a real fear that he can overcome
It may also be a real fear on his part because of his past experiences.
The difference with the previous case is that he will communicate his fear BUT still show his commitment to you, for example by continuing to see you regularly, by making the relationship official… AND also by considering your needs which are different from his (timing or desire for a child or other).
In this case, open and caring dialogue can help you to find a common solution that is positive for everyone.
Case 3 It is a fear that makes him unavailable for a relationship
He may finally have this fear and this fear makes him unable/unwilling to commit to a relationship.
This often leads to contradictory behaviour, sometimes showing interest, sometimes rejecting the relationship. This is the most difficult case to live with because the signals sent are not clear.
In this case, adapting your timing to theirs is not going to help them change their mind. The only solution is to follow your personal timing and respect that the other person has a different timing.
The solution: stay in line with your own timing
You may have noticed that the solution to all of these cases comes down to your alignment, your positioning, i.e. your ability to clearly express what you want from the relationship, your expectations and your personal timing.
The clearer you are, the clearer you communicate it, the more your partner will be obliged to be clear and the easier it will be for you to distinguish between the three cases. And don’t forget, a non-response is also an answer.
If you find it difficult to communicate your needs and expectations clearly, it is no coincidence that you have had experiences in the past that have taught you that having expectations is not good or that you are not allowed to communicate clearly what you want.
Watch my free webinar to find out how you were able to record this pattern.
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