Remembering what is and isn’t within your control

If it is clear that there is no way to change the other person, it is good to remember what comes out of your control, i.e. your area of responsibility:

• Your values
• Your thoughts
• Your judgment as to what is right and what is wrong
• Your emotions
• Your actions
• How do you decide to react to the other person’s actions?
• What image of yourself do you want to convey to others

It is possible to keep 100% control over this as it’s your area of responsibility.

The rest, i.e. what the other person thinks, feels, says, how they behave or act, is out of your area of control.

Trying to control this can only be exhausting, because it’s a losing battle, except that…

It is possible to maintain control at all times.

It is still possible to keep control of a situation that feels out of our control by introducing the factor time (time) and magnitude (space):

• By defining the length of time you are willing to lose control, which means accepting the situation and the other person’s actions will not affect the way you act. For example, you can accept that your partner may not always be as attentive as you want, but if he or she lacks attention for more than xx months, you can decide to take control over the situation by changing your behaviour (blaming him or her, not paying enough attention to them, pulling away, separating).
• By defining the limit to which you are willing to lose control, in other words, accepting the situation or the other person’s actions without consequences on the way you act. If I use the same example, you can agree to not receiving any form of attention via small messages or texting, because that’s not your partner’s thing, but refuse the lack of attention such as kisses and hugs, you can decide to take control over the situation by changing your behaviour if there is no response from the other half to your special needs and forms of attention (reproach him, lack of attention, distance yourself, separate).

The phenomenon of action and reaction to let go of one’s grip on one’s relationship

If you are used to “accepting” some attitudes from the other person in order to keep the relationship going, chances are your partner has got used to the situation and no efforts are made on his side to change.

A simple way to turn the situation around is to act in a way that goes against the habit and be effective in changing the situation.

To go further in your alignment

If you notice that your needs and limits are not respected within your relationship and you give your partner too much freedom on his attitude towards you, it is important to understand where this alignment problem comes from by asking yourself the following questions:

• Am I afraid of losing his / her love if I disagree with him / her?
• Am I afraid of conflict?
• Do I think my needs are not justified?

Look at my webinar to understand where this alignment problem comes from: