Understand your real motives 

When your partner has just left you, you find yourself alone and don’t know if you’re going to meet someone soon.

If you fear being alone or not meeting someone else, it can completely overshadow your mind whether or not it’s worth getting your ex back.

This is a normal reaction of your reptilian brain towards the unknown, as it prefers what it knows, even if it’s less good for you.

To counterbalance all this, you can do the 2 following things:

• Remembering all the times you thought you’d never meet someone again and finally met someone afterwards.
• Reassuring your reptilian brain that you won’t end up alone:
  • If you are rational, you can look at the statistics of single men in your age category in your city, for example.
  • If you’re more emotional, look at girls similar to you the same age who have settled down and are happily married now. It’s important here to find a case that you believe in, and you don’t just feel like any girl is “superior” to you and rather think her boyfriend is good, so your reptilian brain believes that thanks to this example you also have a chance.

Understand why the separation took place

A separation doesn’t just happen. It’s the result of an underlying problem in the relationship.

Before you go back to your ex, take the time to identify what issues you were going through that could have caused you to break up.

The following questions may help you in your reflection:

• What were his official reasons for leaving you? What he told you.
• What do you think are the unofficial reasons, moreover, what he didn’t clearly state but you felt?
• What do you think wasn’t working in your relationship?
• What didn’t you like about the relationship?

And if you haven’t found any fault with your partner, do the exercise again, because the blame is always shared.

There is a certain nuance to be made depending on the length of your relationship. Leaving a person in the first few months of a relationship (in this article I am talking about the different stages of a relationship) is about making a choice and deciding whether I want a serious relationship (yes or no) and whether I want to continue with that person (yes or no). There is not necessarily an underlying problem, but rather an incompatibility of desire, timing or personalities.

When you have answered this question, honestly ask yourself if these reasons are irreversible or not and what should be changed to avoid returning to the same results (break up), either on your side or on your partner’s side.

Because wanting to get back together with your ex without taking the time to understand why it didn’t work out the first time is only making sure you get back to square one a few months later.

If you believe that change is possible and that this relationship has a future, you can take the next step.

Assess your wrongs

If you decide to go back to your ex, it’s important to be prepared to work on what you feel is wrong, which may not be 100% of what your ex-partner blames you for.

Ask yourself the following questions to help you in this reflection:

• Do you want to change everything your partner blames you for or just part of it? 
• Can you do it on your own or are your actions ultimately the consequence of some of your partner’s actions?
• If this harm is the result of your partner’s behaviour, then ask yourself how you can change this way of working together.

If I take an example:

He blames you for your jealousy fits: do you admit having unjustified jealousy reactions, or is the cause of your jealousy the own behaviour of your partner, which is ambiguous? For this to work, ask yourself in which situation you can learn to be less jealous and in which situation it could be clearer.

Evaluate the relationship with your ex

Before you invest your time and energy in the process of getting your ex back, which can take time and is not guaranteed, think about whether the relationship you had with him or her was in line with your ideal, whether your needs and limits were respected and whether this relationship has a real chance in the future.

 And if your answer is not a big and unanimous YES

You may be more interested in getting your ex back out of habit rather than out of love.

It would be a good idea to identify the mechanisms you have in love to understand the real reason behind this desire of getting your ex back:

• Do you tend to cling on to your partner when he rejects you?
• Do you tend to stay with your partner even if your needs are not respected?
• Are you afraid of being abandoned or betrayed?
• Do you tend to be addicted to love?
• Do you think you have to be perfect to be loved?

Go back to the other sincerely

If, after these stages of reflection, you are certain that you want your ex back, the best thing is to sincerely communicate your inner reflection to your ex-partner, including acknowledging your part in the wrong, confirming him or her that you still love them and that you want to start a new relationship as together you can change the way you interact.

The mistake that is often made at this stage is to come back and assume 100% of the relationship’s failure, to maximize the chances the other partner agreeing to start a new relationship with you.

The problem with this is that you are risking a come back to the previous relationship that won’t make you happy because the blame is always shared, no matter who decides to end the relationship.

So think of this conversation more as an open-hearted invitation to set the record straight and give your relationship a chance.

It may take some time for you to agree on the wrongs and for him to reverse his decision.

If your ex still loves you, he’ll also know how to recognize his share of the blame and he’ll also know how to recognize his desire to get back with you.

Make a decision to start a new relationship.

The key to making it really work is to understand the mistakes you have made and consciously decide to act differently. (And have your partner do the same, because mistakes are rarely 100% one-sided).

What’s more difficult when you’ve already developed habits with someone. 

To help you in this process, I suggest that you write down every day/week all the actions you have taken proving this change.

What if he says no?

It’s his choice and his right. As hard as it may be for you, you can’t force the other person to come back to you. What if he says no?

This attempt of return will at least allow you to not live in regrets, as you would have tried everything to get back with them.

And all this thinking will help you avoid making the same mistakes in your future relationship.

Read this article to help you grieve from your relationship.

It is also the perfect opportunity to do some work on yourself to equip yourself with the tools that will ensure the success of your next relationship.