Why Does Connection Get Lost in a Couple and How to Find It Again?
200. Why Does Connection Get Lost in a Couple and How to Find It Again?
You have been together for some time and you feel like things are no longer the same fewer tender gestures, less attention, you increasingly feel like flatmates, and it is starting to worry you.
Or you already sense that the gap has widened and you do not know what to do: organise date nights, rekindle the flame in bed, or you are even hesitating to separate because you feel it is too late.
In this episode, I will explain what creates disconnection in a couple so you can finally start to reverse it. Having accompanied more than 600 people in couple work, this is the topic that comes up most often and changes things the most when it is addressed.
In episode 201, I will talk about conversations that go round in circles and deteriorate the relationship.
Watch my webinar on how to finally be happy in love
What disconnects you
Let us look at cases where disconnection was so great that people decided to separate. A study conducted by the independent firm Koréis for Coopleo.care sheds precise light on the real causes of separations in France. It reveals that:
- 60% of separations are linked to difficulties in intimate life, including conflicts, sexual problems, or infidelity;
- 41% concern the management of daily life;
- 26% relate to parenting issues;
- 15% stem from professional difficulties.
The "quality time" myth: what if reconnecting first means daring to speak?
Why do some couples who go on date nights have nothing to say to each other? Why do others make love to save their relationship but no longer feel any pleasure? Why, despite their efforts, do some partners feel like flatmates?
The answer is simple: quality moments are not enough when you have accumulated too many unresolved conflicts (the famous dust under the rug):
- How can you want to connect in a moment together if you feel the other person does not really understand you?
- How can you reconnect when you avoid difficult subjects for fear of making things worse?
- How can you want to make love with someone who has no idea how you feel?
- How can you want to connect with your partner when they leave you all the (mental) load of daily life?
- Connection comes back.
- The desire to spend time together comes back.
- Intimacy comes back.
For you
FREE Webinar "HOW TO FREE OURSELVES FROM THE PATTERNS THAT PREVENT US FROM BEING HAPPY IN LOVE?"
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The importance of learning to have difficult conversations
I already mentioned in episode 131 that learning to argue well is what makes a couple last, according to the Gottman Institute.
In their book Fight Right, they explain that they can predict with 90% accuracy whether a couple will stay together and happy over time, or risk divorcing, separating, or remaining in an unsatisfying and frustrating relationship.
They call these happy couples the Masters of Love — those who know how to stay connected despite conflicts, thanks to four key skills that make all the difference:
- The ability to actively listen to their partner, without interrupting or becoming defensive;
- The ability to dare to enter conflict (and therefore not avoid it);
- The ability to navigate conflict constructively, while staying connected to the other;
- And above all, the ability to repair after an argument — to apologise sincerely, to take care of the relationship after a difficult moment.
So how do you reverse the process?
The answer is not going to please you: by going to clean up all the dust you have accumulated under your rug — not by reopening old files and staying in blame, but in order to be at peace again.
An exercise to assess your level of disconnection: the mountain exercise
Do this exercise separately, then share your results together.
If you had to draw a mountain representing your life as a couple — the base being the beginning of your relationship and the summit where you are now — ask yourself about the different moments in your life together when you avoided a difficult conversation:
- Note the time/age
- Note the subject you avoided at the time
- Note the consequence it had on your relationship at the time
- Note whether it still impacts your relationship now, even just in terms of resentment
The 5 steps to having difficult conversations
I have identified 5 steps for having constructive conversations that strengthen your connection:
- Set the frame for the discussion — to prevent you from spilling over into secondary topics and avoid your nervous systems activating in survival mode.
- Prepare individually to understand your own underlying issue. Your tensions do not come so much from the difficult subject itself as from what it awakens: the wounded child within you. Understanding yourself is the first step toward connection.
- Understand what the other person is experiencing. The goal of a difficult conversation is not to resolve the conflict but to understand each other. Because when you understand each other, solutions will emerge naturally.
- Enter the dialogue. You have all heard the basics of compassionate communication for learning to speak more kindly. This is where our nervous system makes the process more complex — and explains why even without speaking, you can sense tension in the couple. I talk about this in episode 201.
- Integrate and consolidate the bond. This is the phase most often forgotten. Debrief your conversation on both content and form so that the next ones are easier — and repair what has been damaged. Because a relationship needs tending.
These steps seem simple, but when you need to talk about a subject that is sensitive for both of you, it becomes a real challenge.
When I experienced my first couple crisis at the arrival of our son (I talk about the particular case of crises in episode 47, and I talk about my crisis and how I got through it in my book), I thought our relationship was not going to hold — I felt lost and helpless watching it slowly fall apart.
That is when I began to understand what was happening — and ultimately realised that crises are a good sign, that they are healthy and inevitable, and that they are an invitation to heal childhood wounds, this time together. With the right understanding and the right tools, it is possible to come through.
Pour aller plus loin
Si tu as envie d’approfondir le sujet et retrouver plus de connexion, tu as mon livre Les couples heureux…osent aborder les sujets qui fâchent disponible dans toutes les librairies.
Contrairement aux idées reçues, les couples qui durent ne sont pas ceux qui évitent les conflits mais qui savent les traverser. Le livre Les couples heureux..osent aborder les sujets qui fâchent t'explique comment transformer vos tensions en connexion en 5 étapes!
Going further
🌿 CULTIVATING LOVE — if you are in a couple
A 5-month programme to transform your relationship, rediscover closeness, communication and the joy of being together every day.
It includes modules to complete at your own pace as a couple or individually, the possibility of being coached by email in complete confidentiality, the possibility of adding individual coaching sessions, as well as the Day of the Past option to deprogram love patterns through the body if you feel that your wounded inner children are taking up a lot of space in your conflicts.
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir à l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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