Why Do Your Discussions Go Round in Circles?
201. Why Do Your Discussions Go Round in Circles?
Why do your discussions go round in circles?
It has almost certainly happened to you: you wanted to tackle a difficult conversation with the best intentions, and you ended up in a dialogue of the deaf — the tone escalated, hurtful things were said, and instead of moving forward, you became even more disconnected from each other.
What are the factors that turn a conflict into a settling of scores?
In this episode, I will walk you through the 6 factors that make your conversations unproductive — and reveal the mystery guest that complicates all of them: your nervous system.
This episode follows on from episode 200 on why we disconnect as a couple, and episode 131 on the importance of learning to argue well.
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Factor 1: Defending your point of view rather than listening to the other person
This kind of conversation puts each partner on the defensive and prevents conflict resolution, which is only possible when you truly understand each other.
An example
Her: “I felt a bit lonely this weekend.”
Him: “But I was there all day Saturday!”
Her: “Yes, but we didn’t really share a moment.”
Him: “I made an effort though.”
Why is this a problem?
She is talking about a feeling, but he hears an attack. Instead of staying in listening mode, he switches to justification. His need to be recognised for what he does takes over, preventing him from validating what the other person feels.
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Factor 2: Talking about the other person instead of talking about yourself
Describing what the other person does rather than expressing what you feel often leads to reproaches, judgements, or accusations.
An example
Her: “You made a decision on your own again. Honestly, you always do everything by yourself.”
Him: “That’s not true, I just bought the tickets because the prices were going up!”
Her: “Right, you’re incapable of understanding that we’re supposed to decide together. You never listen to what I say.”
Him: “Come on, you always react like that, we can never talk calmly.”
Why is this a problem?
The underlying issue is legitimate: she would have liked to be consulted. But the form — centred on the other’s behaviour — blocks the exchange. By generalising (“you always…”, “you never…”), she accuses rather than expressing her need to be included. Result: he closes off, justifies himself, and the message does not land. A simple “I felt sidelined when you booked without me” would likely have opened a very different conversation.
Factor 3: Negative interactions outweighing positive ones
You talk about what isn’t being done instead of asking for what would help. You criticise instead of acknowledging what is going well. This discourages and does not help resolution.
An example
Her: “I’d like you to empty the dishwasher without me having to remind you.”
Him: “But I hoovered and put on a wash this morning…”
Her: “Yes, but that wasn’t what I asked for. I get the feeling you just do what suits you.”
Why is this a problem?
There is no single “killer you” — yet the tone of the exchange is more negative than positive. She doesn’t take time to acknowledge what was done and moves straight to her frustration. He can end up feeling invisible or discouraged because his efforts go unnoticed. When the balance constantly tilts toward criticism, the motivation to cooperate diminishes.
Factor 4: Underlying wounds, dreams, and needs are sensitive subjects
heat more quickly. The subject is sensitive — there is little room for manoeuvre.
An example
Her: “You work all the time, I feel like I don’t exist in your eyes!”
Him: “I’m killing myself at work so we have everything we need, and that’s the appreciation I get!”
Why is this a problem?
For her, the lack of quality time reactivates an old wound: the wound of rejection, experienced in childhood with parents who were often absent restaurateurs. For him, his effort to provide for his family is a way of repairing what his own father never did — a father who left home without ever paying maintenance, leaving his mother to struggle alone. She does not feel seen; he does not feel recognised. The real problem here is not the working hours, but what this situation stirs up — at a deeper level — in each of them.
Factor 5: Accumulation of unresolved conflicts
You have swept so much under the rug that, when you tackle a conflict, everything else comes flooding back.
An example
Her: “Can you take out the bin, please?”
Him: “Again? You always talk to me like I’m a child.”
Her: “Because if I don’t repeat it, nothing gets done.”
Why is this a problem? It’s not (just) the bin — it’s the exhaustion of having to carry everything, the unspoken words, the old undigested arguments. What should be a simple conversation becomes a minefield, because everything that has been “set aside” comes back all at once.
Facteur n° 6 : l’invité mystère de vos conflits, vos systèmes nerveux!
It is what makes you flare up, over-react defensively, or shut down in silence. And it doesn’t necessarily have a direct link to the conflict itself:
- Chronic stress, a stressful day at work
- Past wounds being reactivated
- Our perception of the situation
- If your nervous system is in the sympathetic state, you will tend to anticipate the worst, be defensive, become suspicious and on edge, reacting quickly — either fighting or fleeing.
- If your nervous system is in the dorsal state, you will lose perspective, a sense of hopelessness sets in and every interaction becomes exhausting. You will feel misunderstood, and this will hold back the desire to open up. Decoding the other person can also become difficult.
Pour aller plus loin
Si tu as envie d’approfondir le sujet et de comprendre pourquoi vos discussions tournent en rond, tu as mon livre Les couples heureux…osent aborder les sujets qui fâchent disponible dans toutes les librairies.
Contrairement aux idées reçues, les couples qui durent ne sont pas ceux qui évitent les conflits mais qui savent les traverser. Le livre Les couples heureux..osent aborder les sujets qui fâchent t'explique comment transformer vos tensions en connexion en 5 étapes!
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Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Editions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast S’ouvrir à l’amour, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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