Is This the Right Partner for Me?
132. Is This the Right Partner for Me?
You’re starting to date someone and you’re wondering if it’s the right match for you, or whether it’s better to keep dating other people?
Or you’re already in a relationship with someone, you feel a lot of insecurity, and you’re wondering if you’re in the right relationship?
In this episode I talk about the different things that can make you doubt, and the first keys to getting out of this indecision.
You Haven't Taken the Time to Ask Yourself What Partner Is Right for You
If you don’t take the time to define beforehand what you’re looking for in a partner (the values that are essential to you), it’s indeed hard to assess whether the person in front of you is the right person for you.
It’s a bit like finding a job but never having asked yourself what you actually need to thrive in that job.
To get out of this indecision, all you need to do is take the time to reflect and define what you’re looking for. It’s an entire module of the Opening up to love program, because there are often contradictions, unrealistic expectations, too many criteria or, on the contrary, not enough, and it’s worth doing some cleaning up there.
For you
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You Haven't Checked Whether This Is Someone You Can Count On
If your partner isn’t reliable, it’s normal for you to have doubts, because that tells you it’s time to leave.
I’ll go into detail in the next episode 133, the Green Flags, about exactly what makes someone a secure person, but broadly speaking, it’s about checking whether the partner in front of you is respectful, stable, keeps their word, and is trustworthy.
To get out of this indecision, all you need to do is check whether the partner in front of you is able to be someone you can count on. In Opening up to love, participants use the dating journal tool specifically to check this.
You haven’t checked whether you have a good relational dynamic
I go into this dynamic in detail in the previous episode, 130, Handling the Early Stages of a Relationship Well.
If you’ve built a dynamic that isn’t healthy, whether from a lack of skills or because of the love patterns you keep repeating, you may feel like this relationship is like a rollercoaster, with wonderful moments and moments where you hurt each other.
In that case, doubt is also healthy, and it calls on you to revisit your dynamic.
Too Much Choice Kills the Choice
Dating apps are great opportunities to meet someone (listen to episode 23, How to Meet Someone Online), but the sheer number of profiles can give you the illusion that there’s always someone better out there. A good match is someone secure, who attracts you, AND who shares the same life plan as you AND your essential values. It’s someone who invests and shows their interest through reciprocity. It’s someone who accepts you as you are without trying to change you. It’s not someone who will never press on your wounds. The space of a couple is by definition a place to heal your attachment wounds. In short, a good match is someone with whom you share a good common foundation and whom you can accept without wanting to change them. BUT it’s also through the experience of life as a couple that a GOOD relationship gets built, and that you become GOOD partners for each other.
Your Own Fears and Insecurities Come Up and Create This Indecision
In my experience, this pattern of indecision has several causes:
- If, in your childhood, you had the feeling that your boundaries weren’t respected, or on the contrary that you were always asked to go beyond your limits, you may find it hard to know what’s good or bad for you, and so you stay stuck in indecision.
- Indecision can be a protection mechanism to spare you the pain linked to intimacy. If you keep changing partners, that’s the best way to avoid intimacy and connection.
- You may also have experienced making bad choices, and the idea of making a new choice can make you afraid of making the wrong decision, and lead you to constantly wonder whether you’re with the right person, whether it’s the right time to get into a relationship, whether it’s the right time to take a step forward in commitment…
To get out of this indecision, working on your love patterns will help ease the burden of decision-making, and coaching can give you a process for asking yourself the right questions in order to decide while minimizing your risk. That’s what you do in Opening up to love.
Going further
If you’d like to explore this topic further and identify your own relationship patterns, you can check out Opening Up to Love available in all bookstores. And if you’d like to work on your relationship patterns through the body and transform your love life, there’s the Opening Up to Love program, developed based on the experiences of the 600 people I’ve guided. You can choose the Day of the past option, a day of Somatic Deprogramming: a mind-body practice designed to deprogram the nervous system’s automatic responses and reprogram new relational reflexes.S’ouvrir à l’amour disponible dans toutes les librairies.
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir à l’amour”, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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