66. Actions versus words

I see three main reasons :

• The first is that in an interaction with someone, it is not easy to manage to distinguish the two. What is ultimately the consequence of my behaviors in the interaction with the other, and what part really comes back to the other?
• The second is that each of us has a tendency, so we may tend to put all the blame on ourselves or we may tend to put all the blame on the other. And in both cases, well, it does not help, because often it is 50/50. 
• The third is that being able to take on your share of responsibility, being able to have this capacity for reflection and for correcting your own mistakes, creates a climate of collaboration in the relationship, a climate where we think more as a team while accepting the difficulties, the imperfection of the other. Because we are never perfect in a relationship, we learn a lot through the relationship. And this state of mind of saying yes, I see well that you are not the only one responsible, there is also a part of me that influences the dynamic of the relationship, makes it possible to find many more win-win solutions.

So there you go, that is why I wanted to do this series, which is also the fruit of my accompaniment of more than 600 people. So for this first episode, I wanted to talk about actions versus words. The next episode, the 67 will talk about internal and external safety and the last episode, the 68 will talk about empathy and commitment.

So the first piece of advice I always give when evaluating a partner is to base yourself on that person’s actions rather than on what they say. And why do I advise that? 

• Because first of all, in the first dates, a person may want to show a certain image of themselves and so say things that do not match what they do. It can be someone who is really good at seduction, who knows the codes of seduction, who wants to seduce but does not necessarily want a real relationship. It can be someone who says they want a serious story but in the end is only looking for a fling, etc. 
• The second advantage of basing yourself on facts is that you may come across a person who is in inner contradiction, that is, they may sincerely want something or tell you they want, for example, a serious relationship, but their actions show the opposite. So if I take an example, a person may tell you I really want a serious relationship, but in fact they have just come out of a breakup and are not available, neither emotionally nor in terms of time. This second scenario is not necessarily conscious and intentional on the part of this person, but it is also an obstacle to starting a relationship with a person ready to invest and commit to the relationship. 
• The third scenario, why it is also interesting to base yourself on actions, is that the person may be unaligned, they may lie to themselves in the sense that they may think they are respectful, they may think they have this value, but in fact the way this person behaves does not reflect this value of respect. Once again it is not conscious or intentional, but you, in fact, are looking to choose a partner who lives these values and not only a partner who says they have these values. Basing yourself on actions rather than on what the person says will allow you to untangle the true from the false and to assess the other’s lived values. 

And in fact, this advice, I would like you to turn it toward yourself, that is, ask yourself whether what you do, what you say to your partner, is really in alignment with what you want with them. So I will lay out several scenarios for you : 

• The first, if you are interested in this person, if you want to start a relationship with this person, do you show it? Does the person clearly understand that you are interested or are you in fact waiting for the person to make a move first? 
• Second scenario, if you are already in a relationship with someone, do you tend rather to cultivate love or fear in your couple? I have a more detailed episode episode seven on this, but basically do you sow doubt in your relationship, do you create insecurity or do you reassure them that they are perfectly suited to what you are looking for in love? 
• The third point is rather in your actions. If you do not want a fling and the other in fact offers only that, do your actions reflect what you say or do you continue the story anyway? You can go deeper into this subject by listening to episode five which talks precisely about why you do not get results in love? 
• And the last point is if you commit to your partner to do something, to go in their direction, to respect one of their needs, one of their limits, do you really do it? Do you follow through on your promise. Or if you cannot keep your promise, how do you act toward your partner? Do you inform them? Do you re-commit and keep your commitment or not? I really invite you to make a real assessment of your actions in relation to what you say you are going to do. 

A good way to see how the other perceives what you do, what you say compared to what you really want is to ask them for feedback, to ask them precisely this question: do you have the impression that when I tell you something, I do it, or do you see that sometimes I have contradictions? How do you see me? It is not always easy to ask for feedback, but it will really allow you to grow a lot in the way you are in relationship. 

Personally, I always start from the principle that before demanding something from the other, well, it is important to practice it yourself toward your partner.

And finally this alignment, that is, that what we say matches what we do, is a fundamental basis for a couple to flourish, to build itself, because it creates an environment of safety, of trust. So you trust that the other is there for you. You believe the other’s word. When the person says yes, you know it is a real yes. When the person says no, it is a real no. And this framework, in fact, allows each of the partners to open up with more authenticity and vulnerability because each partner feels safe. So I hope you enjoyed this episode and in the next episode, we are going to talk about internal and external safety.

Have a good week.