How to Avoid Traumatising Your Children (in the Nervous System Sense) ?
203. How to Avoid Traumatising Your Children (in the Nervous System Sense)?
You are a parent who is sensitive to the impact of childhood on adult life,
on the way we relate to others as adults.
Or you would like to avoid traumatising your child and give them, as much as
possible, a secure attachment — but you don’t know how?
Or perhaps you think that having a gentle, child-centred upbringing means a life
of sacrifice for parents, and you’d like to find the right balance.
This episode aims to explain what truly traumatises a child. To do so, I draw on
the book by Peter Levine, creator of the Somatic Experiencing method,
and Maggie Kline, called Trauma-Proofing Your Kids.
I’ll also share my advice as an imperfect mother who finds the right balance
difficult — and as a therapist who has accompanied more than 600 people
with childhood wounds.
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What truly traumatises a child
As Peter Levine, creator of the Somatic Experiencing method, explains,
trauma in the nervous system sense is a part of life. It’s unavoidable.
How does trauma form?
It simply happens when a child experiences emotional stress they were unable to regulate — either on their own or with the help of an adult (co-regulation). We distinguish between shocks (wars, illness, violence, medical procedures, a difficult birth, loss of a loved one, or any sudden/uncontrollable event), developmental trauma (created in relationship, primarily with you as a parent), and chronic stress. This means it’s not the event itself that creates trauma, but the failure to regulate it — which leaves an imprint and dysregulates the nervous system. A child can experience an emotionally difficult event: if they felt supported and heard, there is not necessarily a trauma. It’s simply a difficult life experience. Our nervous system is capable of handling these stressors.
What are the physiological signs of a potential trauma?
Generally, whenever your child over-reacts or remains stoic in the face of emotional stress. Physiologically, you may notice: glassy eyes, pale skin, rapid or shallow pulse and breathing, a sense of being “disoriented”, appearing
How does trauma form?
It simply happens when a child experiences emotional stress they were unable to regulate — either on their own or with the help of an adult (co-regulation). We distinguish between shocks (wars, illness, violence, medical procedures, a difficult birth, loss of a loved one, or any sudden/uncontrollable event), developmental trauma (created in relationship, primarily with you as a parent), and chronic stress. This means it’s not the event itself that creates trauma, but the failure to regulate it — which leaves an imprint and dysregulates the nervous system. A child can experience an emotionally difficult event: if they felt supported and heard, there is not necessarily a trauma. It’s simply a difficult life experience. Our nervous system is capable of handling these stressors.
What are the physiological signs of a potential trauma?
Generally, whenever your child over-reacts or remains stoic in the face of emotional stress. Physiologically, you may notice: glassy eyes, pale skin, rapid or shallow pulse and breathing, a sense of being “disoriented”, appearing
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What to do if your child is over-reacting — to prevent trauma from forming
Simply by helping them regulate their nervous system when it happens. Here are
the 8 steps that Peter Levine and Maggie Kline describe in
Trauma-Proofing Your Kids, to be followed in order:
- First, check the state of your own nervous system. If you are panicked or stressed, you will not be able to help your child regulate. Breathe and calm yourself before intervening.
- Assess the situation. If they show the physiological signs above, remind them they are safe and invite them to stay calm until the shock subsides. If they are injured, apply first aid.
- As the shock fades, guide your child’s attention toward their sensations. Physiologically, the shock is subsiding when colour returns to their skin, breathing slows, tears appear, expression returns to their eyes. Ask how they feel in their body — in their stomach, their lungs. If a sensation shifts, ask how it feels now.
- Slow down and follow your child’s pace. Space your questions one to two minutes apart. Watch for regulation signs: yawning, sighing, trembling, seeking your gaze, smiling again, re-engaging with the environment.
- Continue to validate your child’s physical reactions. Resist the urge to stop their crying, screaming, or trembling — while reassuring them that the event is over and they are safe. Stay close, offer a hand if they want it, trust the process.
- Trust your child’s capacity to heal. Once the nervous system is activated, the best thing is to let the process complete without interruption. Interrupting means: distracting, holding, stopping reactions, or reasoning (“it’s not a big deal”). The calmer your voice, the more you help.
- Encourage your child to rest, even if they don’t feel like it. Regulation continues during rest or sleep. Create a calm environment around them (except in case of a head injury — keep them awake and seek medical attention).
- Finally, address your child’s emotional reactions and help them make sense of what happened. This comes much later: help them understand what happened and put words to their emotions. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable feelings.
- Asking the child not to react emotionally (“Stop crying!”)
- Minimising what they feel (“You’re oversensitive”, “You’re crying over nothing”)
- Distracting the child from what they feel
- Reasoning with the child (“It’s not that serious”)
- Being frightened by physiological reactions (screaming, trembling)
- Leaving if the child asks — finding the right balance here isn’t always easy
What can affect their attachment
Attachment theory explains that our earliest relational experiences — primarily
with those who cared for us — shape how we relate to others as adults, and impact our self-confidence, self-esteem, and what we feel entitled to be, do, or not do in relationships.
Secure attachment forms when a child has perceived (because it is the child’s
perception, not necessarily 100% objective reality) a warm, loving bond with their parents — feeling loved, cared for, and able to say no or have uncomfortable emotions without fearing rejection.
Polyvagal theory explains that the ventral vagal branch — which makes us feel safe with others — develops mainly through connection with attachment figures. This is what is called our “primal wire”.
Your child will essentially inherit the default autonomic nervous system state of their primary attachment figure:
- There is a transgenerational dimension: you inherit your nervous system
from your parents; your child inherits theirs from you. - There is an experiential dimension: the relational experiences your child
has with you contribute to regulating or dysregulating their nervous system,
depending on your capacity for co-regulation.
Statistically, approximately 50% of people have a secure attachment, and the
rest an insecure one. For more on the 4 attachment models: Episode 89.
I want to ease parental guilt with these points:
- Much of attachment is formed in the first 3 years of life — the reality of
childcare and parental leave means this isn’t always under our control. - The researcher Edward Tronick (University of Massachusetts Boston), known
for his still-face studies on parent-infant interaction, shows that even in
the healthiest dyads, parent and child are only perfectly in sync about
30% of the time. What predicts secure attachment is not perfect connection
but the ability to repair after rupture. Parents don’t need to be perfect —
they just need to repair.
What deteriorates the attachment bond
strong>1. Prolonged or abrupt separations
- Long hospitalisation without contact.
- Placement or adoption without maintaining the bond.
- Death or abandonment of a parent.
- Parents indifferent to the child’s cries, needs, or emotions.
- Lack of emotional availability: the child is not comforted, heard, or recognised.
- Physical, psychological, or sexual violence.
- A threatening or unpredictable family atmosphere.
- The child perceives the attachment figure as a source of danger.
- A parent who is sometimes very present, sometimes absent or hostile.
- Role reversals (the child must “take care of” the parent).
- An unstable family environment (frequent moves, repeated separations).
- The parent refuses to acknowledge the child or shows clear disinterest.
- The child feels “unwanted” or “unlovable”.
- Changing rules, excessive discipline, or total absence of boundaries.
- Lack of consistency that prevents the child from anticipating and feeling safe.
How to repair the attachment bond
1. Acknowledge the rupture
- Use simple words: “I know I wasn’t there for you”, “You may have felt alone”.
- Own your part without burdening the child.
- Be reliable: keep promises, respect appointments, show consistency.
- Create rituals of presence (e.g. a daily moment together, a bedtime routine).
- Be attentive to your child’s emotions, even difficult ones (anger, sadness, rejection).
- Let them express pain or anger without trying to stop it.
- Playtime, cuddles (if welcomed), shared activities.
- Value your child: highlight their qualities, show them they matter.
- The child may test you (rejection, provocation, silence) — this is them asking: “Are you really here this time?”
- Patience and consistency are essential.
- Understand your own wounds and address them.
- Learn to better regulate your emotions to avoid repeating ruptures.
Other things that can dysregulate their nervous system
It’s not only the parent-child relationship that can dysregulate your child’s
nervous system:
- The biggest impact I see is often the conception, in-utero period, and birth: stress during pregnancy, couple tensions, and birth complications (forceps, induced labour, emergency caesarean). Episode 37.
- The relationship with teachers and school experiences: bullying, mobbing, learning difficulties.
- Relationships within siblings.
- Group experiences: hazing, toxic group dynamics, exclusion, mockery.
- Disrespect of the body’s limits: forcing the child to finish their plate, give a kiss, undress at the beach.
- Unintegrated primitive reflexes that hinder cognitive, motor, and learning development.
- Shock experiences: accidents, scenes of violence — including what the child sees on screen.
- Rape and sexual abuse: still far too common, affecting boys as often as girls. Episode 101.
- Grief experiences: loss of a loved one, death of a pet, near-death experiences (often underestimated in children near water). Episode 38.
- Medical procedures: operations, blood tests, dental braces can be very frightening.
- Living conditions: screens, noise, overstimulating environments, less time in nature, parents suffering from chronic stress.
My 4 key pieces of advice
These tips are designed to help you understand what your child needs to avoid
dysregulating their nervous system. I’m not coming here as an “expert” — even with
this knowledge, I find it hard to follow my own advice as a mother.
- Tip 1 — Your child inherits your nervous system
You know the saying “happy parent, happy baby”? It has a real physiological explanation. At birth, the child’s ventral branch of the autonomic nervous system is not yet developed — it develops through co-regulation from attachment figures. If your nervous system is dysregulated, it will be harder to offer good co-regulation. The first gift you can give your child is working on your own past wounds through body-based work. The second is learning to regulate yourself when stress arises — like putting on your oxygen mask first on a plane. - Tip 2 — Welcome their overwhelming emotions
The greatest act of love a child can make is allowing themselves to have overwhelming emotions with you — it means they feel safe to do so. The calmer and more grounded you are (physiologically, not just in appearance), the more they will learn to do the same. Myriam Bost, of Ludivivo, therapist for neurodivergent children, describes this as playing the firefighter: ensure the child doesn’t hurt themselves, and simply support them through their emotional wave. - Tip 3 — If you notice a change in your child’s behaviour, note it and act
Traumas for children aren’t necessarily “serious events” by adult standards — just moments where the child experienced emotional stress they couldn’t regulate. Signs to watch for: excessive fears since birth, sleep difficulties, clinginess; behavioural changes after a medical procedure or accident; repeated patterns (anger, letting others do things to them) or worrying/overwhelming behaviours.
Helpful therapies: osteopathy and craniosacral therapy (for birth-related issues); primitive reflex integration and brain gym (for developmental and sensory issues); kinesiology, Somatic Experiencing, or psycho-corporeal approaches (for behaviour). - Tip 4 — Understand the function of overwhelming or worrying behaviour
An overwhelming behaviour is a mechanism: the child hasn’t found another way to meet their need. It can also be a reaction to an unregulated traumatic event. Ask yourself: did something happen recently that explains the change? If not, what is the function of this behaviour? How can I respond to the underlying need without requiring this behaviour?
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A 5-month programme to transform your relationship, rediscover closeness, communication and the joy of being together every day. It includes modules to complete at your own pace as a couple or individually, the possibility of being coached by email in complete confidentiality, the possibility of adding individual coaching sessions, as well as the Past Day option to deprogram love patterns through the body if you feel that your wounded inner children are taking up a lot of space in your conflicts.
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir à l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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