65. Desire for a child: when to talk about it

Clarify from the start whether it is part of their life plans

Not everyone wants children. To avoid being caught off guard once you are in a relationship and attached to the person, clarify whether it is part of their life plans or not. You can for example use the question “what are you looking for in a relationship” as a springboard to your request “I am in a phase of life where I see myself in a long-term relationship and starting a family if I meet the partner who suits me, and you?” It is a simple way, without putting on pressure, to clarify their expectations on this subject. Of course, if you are not sure yourself that you want children, it is not a question you need to clarify. To illustrate how important this clarification is: I had a male client who had not thought of asking his future wife whether she wanted children, and after the wedding, when he asked her when they would get started, she told him she did not see herself as a mother at all. He was in shock, because for him “all women want to have children”, he had not thought of clarifying this point with her. He thus found himself facing the difficult choice of leaving the woman he loves or giving up his wish to have a child.

Take stock before moving in with him

Moving in together is an important step, you are potentially giving up your respective apartments, you may even change city. It is generally the right moment to check the direction of your relationship and to check whether having a child is still part of their life plans, and possibly even to clarify their time horizon.

Of course, if you are in no hurry to have children, you do not need to clarify this point at that moment either.

When you feel ready, start the discussion

Once the relationship is established and you imagine your partner as potentially a good father for your children, do not hesitate to bring up the subject.

The fact that your man does not take the initiative in the discussion does not mean that he does not want it. 

He is simply less kept on alert by the biological clock (which is a physiological reaction and not only an idea in women’s heads).

Talk about your desire for a child, your personal timing, why you see him as perfect to be the father of your children and that you would be happy to do this life project with him, that you love him.

From that moment on, it is normal for several discussions to follow so the decision can mature.

Because that is the moment when worries about being a good parent can come up:

• Can I afford a child financially?
• Am I not too old / too young?
• What is the impact of having a child on my couple life, my work and my freedom?

Moreover, depending on whether you have a difficult relationship with your own father or your own mother, the fear of repeating the same pattern can come up.

All these worries are normal and healthy.

Instead of talking about it constantly, I recommend setting aside moments to talk about it and to address each topic one by one, the goal being that each future parent feels reassured in their decision.

Personally, my husband needed to make an Excel table to see whether he could financially support our child even if I lost my job and I was more afraid of not being able to cope physically when my son is older and of repeating the family pattern.

Here the best attitude is to welcome the other’s fears without judgment and to reassure them by brainstorming solutions that would suit you both. 

In the end, it is of course not possible to anticipate everything, but it is rather a good sign to see that the other asks themselves the right questions to know whether they want to / can take on a child.

And if he needs time or does not want to

Adapting your timing to the other will not help them change their personal timing. 

On the contrary, they may stay undecided for longer.

Giving them an ultimatum is not a good solution either for such an important decision, because in the end the desire for a child is a very personal choice.

So what is the right balance?

Sincerely ask yourself what your own personal final waiting deadline is and respect it, meaning that until this deadline you can give the other the opportunity to talk about their lack of desire for a child and see whether they can be reassured in their worries or whether they are truly blocked in their decision.

As much as it is important to respect your partner’s decision, their non-decision, it is just as important to respect your decision when your deadline is reached.

The risk of waiting beyond your personal deadline can be reaching such a degree of frustration that it ends up only poisoning or even breaking the relationship.

Going further

Communicating your needs and limits calmly and having the right tools to have a deep discussion in your couple, manage differences of opinion and potential conflicts, are the basis for building a couple that works and are an integral part of my in-depth program Opening up to love if you are single and Cultivating Love if you are in an established couple.