Communication in the couple: is it a problem of substance or of form?
82. Communication in the couple: is it a problem of substance or of form?
Do you feel you have a justified request and that your partner accuses you of exaggerating?
Or do you feel you are not being heard by your partner?
Or do your words go beyond your thoughts every time you talk about a sensitive subject, such as wanting a child (EP 65) with your partner?
Then perhaps you have a problem of form and not of substance.
Episode 82 of S’ouvrir à l’Amour aims to give you ideas for working on the form in which you communicate. And if you want to go deeper into the subject you have my book les couples heureux osent aborder les sujets qui fâchent.
❤️ Watch my webinar on how to finally be happy in love!
Problem of form
If you are in the habit of waiting a long time before talking about a problem, you naturally accumulate frustration and this frustration can:
- Make you explode disproportionately as soon as the problem happens again. (See episode 12 on emotional responsibility.)
- Make you act curtly when nothing special is happening. (See my article on the different forms of castration.)
- Make you take a form of revenge when the other expresses a need toward you
- Make the conflict escalate, for example by involving third parties in the conflict.
This way of functioning not only has the effect of poisoning the relationship, but it is also counterproductive for the underlying problem that you want to address.
By doing this, the other feels attacked and you lose legitimacy on your underlying problem.
To manage to set up a communication that conveys your message effectively, it is important to take responsibility for your emotions by working on your emotional independence (episode 12). These qualities are essential for a fulfilling relationship and this is why I devote an entire module to it in my program Opening up to love if you are single and Cultivating Love if you are in an established couple.
A first reflex you can put in place right now is to welcome your anger/frustration BEFORE speaking to your partner by doing this Kundalini Yoga exercise:
A second reflex is to understand your dynamic in the conflict (specific to each conflict and system) and to see the effect of your actions/inactions on the dynamic or on the other, for example:
- Verbal. What is the tone of your voice? Do you use the “you” that kills? Do you state what you want or reproaches without a solution? Do you communicate your feelings or your share of the blame?
- Non-Verbal. What is your body position? What is the expression on your face? Do you seek contact or avoid the other’s contact? What is the effect of your posture on the other?
- Structural. Are you both ready to discuss the conflict or are you running after him/her? Do you need to leave when the conflict arrives?
- Social. Do you talk about your conflict to people other than the person involved? How does the other person feel about this? Or on the contrary do you avoid talking about the subject by avoiding being alone with the other, for example by doing more activities with friends…
- Dynamic. Are you in a boiling hot dynamic (the problem must be solved now), lukewarm (it bothers me but I am giving it time) or cold (I do not see the problem, the other is the problem).
Don’t forget to address the substance
Because in the end it is the substance that generates this permanent frustration.
This is why it is important to address the substance by having a difficult conversation.
To carry out this discussion well, remember to prepare: make a list of facts rather than of your personal opinion, list the arguments you have, imagining the other’s possible counter-arguments and how you wish to respond to them. Finally, say clearly what is non-negotiable for you and what is open to discussion. You can also have this discussion in front of a mirror to find the right words and calm your anxiety about this discussion. You will see, it will then be easier in front of the person.
Knowing how to make your requests and to manage conflict in a caring way are other essential qualities for being happy in a relationship without forgetting yourself and are an integral part of the program Opening up to love.
If you stay stuck
If you feel that communication remains a difficult subject for you, it would be interesting to see which communication models or conflict management models you learned in your childhood, notably with your parents.
Watch my free webinar to find out how you can change this to finally be comfortable in your communication in a relationship.
For you
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Going further
Your relationship needs care.
To maintain the connection, spending good moments together is not enough. It is important to resolve the underlying conflicts to avoid sweeping too much dust under the rug, which causes the couple to disconnect and each partner to feel misunderstood by the other.
This is what you learn in my program Cultivating Love. You can take the Day of the Past option, a day of Somatic Deprogramming: a psycho-corporal practice to deprogram the automatic patterns of the nervous system and reprogram new relational reflexes
Une première étape : mon livre
Si tu veux apprendre à transformer vos tensions en connexion, tu as mon livre Les couples heureux…osent aborder les sujets qui fâchent disponible dans toutes les librairies.
Contrairement aux idées reçues, les couples qui durent ne sont pas ceux qui évitent les conflits mais qui savent les traverser. Le livre Les couples heureux..osent aborder les sujets qui fâchent t'explique comment transformer vos tensions en connexion en 5 étapes!
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir à l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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