How to free yourself from the need to control everything
53. How to free yourself from the need to control everything
You lose your footing as soon as your partner does not act the way you would like or as planned ?
You feel vulnerable in the face of the unexpected or the unknown.
You feel a form of constant insecurity and you would like to be able to let go more easily ?
Episode 53 of S’ouvrir à l’amour is an invitation to distinguish good control from bad control, where this need to control everything may come from and how to free yourself from this need to control everything. It is a need I often find in my 8 years of practice.
Is control good or bad?
Control often has a negative connotation, because it insinuates a desire to control others or an outcome. But what about good control? Are self-control or the desire to control the outcome of our actions bad? For me, the answer is clearly no, because it is – among other things – the foundation of coaching to think that you can influence the results in your life.❤️ Watch my webinar on how to finally be happy in love!
Redefine your zone of control
Control becomes harmful for me when you focus on things you cannot control, which can give the other the impression that you want to manipulate them, that you are putting pressure on them. As a consequence this will generate in you an even greater feeling of powerlessness that will increase each time you try even harder to control what you cannot control. The solution is to focus on what you can truly control.
By focusing on what you can truly control, you realize:
- that you can keep control at all times, by consciously choosing how you want to approach the outside world with your thoughts, your emotions, your words, your actions, your reactions and your attitude toward the unknown, death and illness.
- that you can decide at any time how the environment impacts your life.
- that in this way you have an indirect influence and impact on others and on your environment.
The need to control everything can be a protective reaction following a betrayal
If in your past you were betrayed or disappointed by people who love you, these experiences may have had a double impact on the way you control:
- You may want to control more to avoid suffering again.
- This experience may also have given you a false idea of what it is good to control. Indeed, at that time your zone of control was limited, because you were dependent on your loved ones and so the only way to control was to try to control your loved ones. As an adult you no longer have this relationship of dependence on the other. You are free, your counterpart is also free, so you can only have indirect control over the other by focusing on your zone of control.
Read this article on betrayal to find out what other consequences the betrayal wound can have in your love life.
To free yourself from this need for control, there are two steps:
- Understand the origin of this betrayal wound and deprogram this protection mechanism against betrayal
- Regain trust in your inner judgment, your ability to discern betrayal and your ability to bounce back from betrayal, if it happens, so that you no longer need to anticipate by controlling.
This work is included in my program Opening up to love.
The need for control can be a response to insecurity
If you have experienced insecure situations in your past or if you have felt in danger in the face of the unknown (accident, shock), in the face of death (sudden death, a difficult birth) or in the face of illness (your own illnesses or those of loved ones), you may develop a distrust of what you cannot master and feel constantly threatened by life.
Your body is as if in constant alarm and it cannot really relax.
To free yourself from this constant feeling of insecurity, there are two steps:
- Understand the origin of this insecurity and deprogram this protection mechanism against the unknown
- Bring your body out of this constant alarm state (the “freeze” state) by eliminating the emotional surplus stored in the body following this event, so that the body returns to its natural state of relaxation.
This work is done during the Day of the Past and is included in my program Opening up to love.
For you
FREE Webinar "HOW TO FREE OURSELVES FROM THE PATTERNS THAT PREVENT US FROM BEING HAPPY IN LOVE?"
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Going further
If you want to explore the topic further and identify your own love patterns, you have my book S’ouvrir à l’amour available in all bookstores.
And if you want to work on your love patterns through the body and transform your love life, you have the program Opening up to love. You can take the Day of the Past option, a day of Somatic Deprogramming: a psycho-corporal practice to deprogram the automatic patterns of the nervous system and reprogram new relational reflexes.
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir à l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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