The Pain of Your Breakup Reflects the Total Cost of the Relationship
185. The Pain of Your Breakup Reflects the Total Cost of the Relationship
You are struggling to turn the page after a breakup and you tell yourself this means you loved this person a lot or that you still love them? You would like to stop suffering, to stop grieving, and you have the impression that the post-breakup emotional waves will never stop because they are so intense? And what if I told you that the pain you feel after this breakup has nothing to do with the love you felt for your ex? That is what I am going to explain in this episode. Having accompanied many people through breakups, this is one of the most liberating realisations I see — because it shifts the suffering from “I still love them” to “I gave too much without receiving in return”.
If you are looking for more advice on how to grieve a breakup, I invite you to listen to episode 42. I also share my link to the breakup kit — a series of 6 audios that will help you understand the grieving process more deeply and bring you relief.
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Why is your post-breakup pain linked to the total cost of the relationship?
Have you ever noticed people who were together for years, split up, and then easily rebuild their lives? Why is it so easy for some people, while for others a short relationship is very difficult to forget?
What makes a breakup hard is linked to your perception of what you gave/renounced/sacrificed versus what you perceived you received in this relationship.
When a relationship ends, it forces the partners to settle the accounts of the past relationship.
The more negative this total is for you, the harder the grief will be — because it requires you to accept that you were wrong, that you let the other person get away with too much.
This total will particularly influence the anger, sadness and acceptance phases in the grieving of your relationship.
So how can I help you reduce this pain?
- What made this total so heavy for you and what can you change for the next relationship?
- What is your share of the responsibility and how can you do things differently next time?
- For the share of responsibility that belongs to the other person, what do you decide to do differently if this situation arises again?
- What was the influence of your past and your love patterns in this relationship — what are you putting in place to work on these patterns? These steps are what you do in the assessment in my Opening Up to Love programme.
Grieving is an action verb
❤️ Watch my webinar on how to finally be happy in love!
The mistake I see in people coming out of a difficult breakup is that they think they need to wait to recover, to let time do its work in order to be able to turn the page. I believe, on the contrary, that this is the best moment to be active for your wellbeing and build the healthy foundations of your future relationship:- Welcoming your emotions by regulating your nervous system is active work
- Working on your love patterns is also active work
- Learning the behaviours that were difficult to put in place in your previous relationship requires practice and time
Pour aller plus loin
Si tu as envie d’approfondir le sujet et d’identifier tes propres schémas amoureux, tu as mon livre S’ouvrir à l’amour disponible dans toutes les librairies.
Je t’y présente un outil pour apprendre à ressentir tes limites dans l’engagement social et ce que tu peux faire quand tu sens que c’est trop avec l’exercice de la bulle.
S'ouvrir à l'Amour
Le livre qui va te permettre d'identifier tes schémas amoureux et te permettre d'apprendre les clefs pour construire une relation saine
Going further
And if you would like to work on your love patterns and transform your love life, you have the programme Opening Up to Love.
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Editions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir a l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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