The Impact of Rape or Sexual Touching on Romantic Relationships
When I became a coach, I didn’t expect to still find, in our day and age, so many women who are victims of rape, sexual touching, or who have had experiences where they were treated as sexual objects. This subject is still taboo and those who suffer it often stay silent, either to preserve “family harmony”, or to forget, or because they feel partly responsible (after all they shouldn’t have “led him on”), or because they haven’t really realized that what happened wasn’t normal.
In this article I tried to list the different impacts these assaults can have on love life, based on my observations during the coaching I’ve done over my 8 years of practice. If you want to know more about love patterns in general, you can go to EP 3.
The Impact of Rape on Romantic Relationships and the Lack of Trust in Men
This is the most obvious impact, yet it’s not necessarily the one I observed the most.
If the rape or sexual touching happens with family members, there is also a fundamental lack of safety, because the person who is supposed to protect you abuses you.
The Absence of Orgasm
Following a rape or sexual touching, sexuality can be seen as dirty and taking pleasure as bad. The woman may have difficulty letting go to reach orgasm.
Using Sexuality as a Means of Controlling Men
Sexuality becomes a means of controlling men, even of “cashing in” her attention. There may be a need for love to be transactional, that is, for there to be an exchange of love for gifts or money.
Being Cut Off From Your Feelings/Your Body
To survive this situation, the person has somehow cut herself off from her body so as to no longer “feel” the event.
Alternating Between Friendly or Passionate Relationships
A person who has suffered this kind of trauma may alternate between fulfilling relationships that remain friendly, and passionate, sexually fulfilling relationships that have no future.
A Strong Woman Who Has a Hard Time Showing Her Vulnerability
Sometimes the counter-reaction is to become a strong woman who hides her vulnerability, who has an almost rather masculine, rather dominant side, a bit as if to gain the upper hand over what just happened.
Ultra-Seductive Woman
This kind of trauma can lead the woman to have recorded that love is necessarily linked to sexuality and so she becomes ultra-seductive to receive love.
Difficulty Seducing
The opposite effect also occurs. In this case the woman has recorded that seducing can be dangerous for her.
Self-Sabotage
If the woman thought it was her fault, that she was guilty, she can totally sabotage herself in love, because she believes she is not worthy of being loved.
Somatization
It very frequently happens that people who have suffered this kind of trauma develop illnesses of the female organs such as the uterus, the ovaries or the breasts.
The Body Is Even More Marked
If you don’t know it yet, I deprogram love patterns at the level of the body.
Watch this free webinar to understand why love patterns are recorded at the level of the body.
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When there has been a violation of a person’s physical integrity, I have been able to observe a kind of “barrier” in the lower abdomen, as if the body had wanted to disconnect to protect itself. The skin can sometimes become insensitive. The organs are also more compressed than usual. The second massage that I practice to release the emotional overflow helps release these traumas from the body’s memory.
The Forgiveness Step
Forgiving the aggressor and possibly the accomplices, that is, the people who knew and did not take your defense, is not excusing their actions but no longer suffering the emotional impact on you.
From my experience in practice, forgiving yourself is the one that remains the most difficult. How many people who have lived through these traumas feel partly responsible for what happened, thinking they led the person on or provoked, feel guilty for having been able to take pleasure in the act or blame themselves for not having defended themselves enough or for not having talked about it sooner. You are not responsible, there is no reason why you suffered this trauma.
The last step consists in forgiving the universe, life or God (depending on personal beliefs regarding spirituality) for the injustices suffered.
Rediscovering Your Sacred Self
This is a step that is often forgotten but is extremely important. These traumas can break a person’s bodily integrity and she needs to rediscover the sacred aspect of her body. Which goes well beyond self-esteem.
In kundalini yoga you can work on this point by reciting the mantra Happy am i, Healthy am I, Holy am I or by doing the meditation for intrusive thoughts.
Going further
If you’d like to dive deeper into the subject and identify your own love patterns, there’s my book S’ouvrir à l’amour available in all bookstores.
And if you’d like to do the work on your love patterns through the body and transform your love life, there’s the program Opening up to love. You can take the Day of the Past option, a day of Somatic Deprogramming: psycho-corporeal work to deprogram nervous system automatisms and reprogram new relational reflexes.
Sandy Kaufmann
is a somatic therapist and coach, based in Switzerland. She is the author of two books published by Éditions Eyrolles and has accompanied more than 600 people. She is the creator of the Somatic Deprogramming method and hosts the podcast “S’ouvrir à l’amour“, ranked in the French top 50 in the relationships category.
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